Loving Each Other, From the Other Side of the Veil to This

I was literally just reading my scriptures and had an insightful thought that I just had to pen, or well, type down. Let's see how much of this I can get done before the kiddos wake up!
I was reading a particular chapter that spoke of the pre-existence and this was the pattern of my thought process: So before we came to earth, we lived in heaven with all of God's children; our brothers and sisters.  We don't remember who we knew in the pre-existence. There are only two people in my life I am confident I had close relationships with then: my mother and a guy that was my best friend for a while years ago that I had a special impact on.  Even as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's hard to remember and feel in a very real way that every other human being is my brother or sister.  It's hard to just "love my neighbor", or more especially not "judge my neighbor."
I admit, I have a problem with judging, both myself and others.  I don't like that I do it, and I have been trying to get better at it. While it is easier to not speak or act upon judgments out loud, it is near impossible to stop them from just popping up in my head! But when I thought about that truth, that we all lived somewhere else with numberless concourses of souls, the thought that I could be judging someone here who I could have loved and been very close with there pierced my heart.  Think about it! A random person you judge on the street, or someone you know but don't like could have been your dearest relationship in the pre-existence! (Or maybe they lived hundreds of years ago, who knows? But regardless, everyone is one of our brothers and sisters! How could I face them in the hereafter, knowing I judged them so? How would that makes them feel to know I hadn't seen and loved them as I did? But more importantly, how would I be living up to the person I was before and the person I vowed to my Heavenly Father I would be by treating His children in a way I never fathomed I could? The question makes me shudder!
Now I know that when the veil is lifted from us and we once again have the memories we had before, there will be lots of love and joy and forgiveness, but that question still makes me think a whole lot more about how I look upon and treat others.  I reflect on who I might have been then and what I wanted to become here; certainly not someone who allows the natural man to have such power over her. We all start from scratch when we are born on this earth, so we can't blame ourselves for the follies of the humankind. But with the knowledge we have now of pre-mortal life and our Heavenly Father's plan, we have great accountability to put aside that natural man and learn to follow our Savior and His commandments, especially loving our neighbor. Whether they are acting like it here or not, every human who has been on this earth agreed with God and Jesus Christ's plan to come here and make it back to them.  Every human being you see has divinity running through their veins; each is a future God or Goddess. Are we really any better than them, by the way we see and treat them? Think about that...
In this day and age our unity in the human race is weakening as divisiveness grows. We need less judging, less name-calling, less putting-down of others for our own gain. We need more seeing people for who they really are: God's children, our brothers and sisters who lived alongside us with the same purpose. When our lives end, and we are once again on the other side, what will our reaction be when we realize what we have done and who we have become?

Let the Spirit Lead You to the Right Road

The Spirit truly is a beautiful thing.  We experienced it's work in our lives this past couple of months in a way that was, for us, truly miraculous.

For just over 3 years, my husband was working towards applying for grad school to become a physician's assistant (PA). This meant taking some new classes and some old ones over again, doing some volunteer work, studying for the GRE, and a slew of other things. It was hard and a lot of the times, tedious work.

Both he and I were excited for this prospect, though we knew that the road ahead would be rough. PA school is highly competitive and if I could put a number on it, I would say that less than 2% of applicants actually get accepted.  Yikes! Despite those odds, I supported Brian in his dream 100%.  But there was always this niggling, unsettled feeling in the back of my mind.  I couldn't see our future ahead of us, and felt very lost.

All these feelings came to a head about a year ago as we were preparing for our second round of applications.  A few weeks before Brian's first application deadline, I had a very strong feeling that we should not apply that year.  I didn't share this with him, knowing it would not be well received.  But could I blame him for that? No! It would be going against what he desired most and what he was working hard towards! It was interesting, it was like I had this feeling the entire time we were married but it was just becoming more powerful.

It turned out that Brian found out a couple of weeks later that the program that he had to apply through calculated all his classes GPA's together, not just the ones he had retaken, which therefore dropped his GPA to a level that would not make him eligible to apply.  All the years of hard work and hope were dashed in an instant.  But after the initial devastation came complete peace, for both him and I.  To some that would seem off, but to those who know the Spirit, we knew immediately that the Lord was telling us that not applying was the right thing. 

Though we knew that PA school was no longer the road to take, our limbo-ness was even greater, for now we had no road to follow at all.  For the next several months we sat in that limbo, batting around ideas for other schooling here and there and asking for direction to help us know what to do.  I didn't realize that the Spirit was working on my hubby until a couple of months ago when he came home from work with some exciting information on the MHA program at Weber State University.  We had discussed it before and it was looking like a program we could apply to, but nothing in all seriousness.  But that day he told me the ins and outs of the program, all of which fit us and our situation perfectly: lower overall cost of tuition with all books and fees included, along with being an online program, he would only have to attend in-class once at the beginning of each semester at on off-site campus closer to where we live, he could skip the GRE because he had several years of managerial experience (that was probably the biggest incentive!) and most of the graduates had great employment lined up before graduating because of internships. For a family with a working father with a new baby on the way, it was everything we could have asked for but didn't think to ask. Like the day that Brian learned his PA dream was no more, a warm, peaceful feeling washed over me. But something different came with this feeling: our future opened to my view. I could see Brian in a set career, us no longer being financially strapped, being able to purchase a home, settle down roots and for me to be able to stay at home with our children.  It wasn't a vision, per say, but that limbo-feeling left, and the knowledge that we would be able to achieve our dreams was firm. I gave him my immediate and enthusiastic approval-which isn't at all common for me!-and we decided together right then and there that we didn't need to apply to any other programs; this one just felt so right! Two weeks later, his application was in.

We didn't know exactly when a letter from the university would arrive, and we ended up waiting one killer-hard-of-a-month! We were both so extremely anxious to hear back, checking the snail-mail every single day-which we haven't done in the entire 3 years we have been married, haha. In that time, I began to doubt and, let's be honest, kinda freak out. Maybe it wasn't going to happen after all...maybe we should have applied to more schools, I thought. So many maybe, maybe, maybes! But that long, arduous wait made the coming news even more sweet.

Two weeks ago while I was preparing dinner in our little kitchen, Brian ran up to me from ten feet away, words coming out of his mouth so soft and gaspy like he was struggling to speak, "Sweetie!! Sweetie!! Sweetie!!" 

After a millisecond of surprise, I saw his phone in his hand, held our for me to see. After another millisecond of understanding that we had received what we had been waiting for, and being scared and excited all at once, I read the tiny words on the screen: "We would like to formally invite you to the Masters of Health Administration Graduate Program and Weber State University."

Brian already had tears streaming down his face and a waterfall broke from mine as well as we held each other tight and jumped up and down. The feeling we had had been right all along, Heavenly Father let us know before it happened that this was the right path for us to take.  Not to sound cliche, but our dreams were finally coming true!

We are very much looking forward to the opportunity this is for Brian and our family.  I have both giddy anticipation and peace, instead of the fear I did over the grueling lives of PA school students and their families.  I think of how I felt when I was dating Brian and could see our future together and felt the rightness of deciding to marry him, where with other young men I had dated in the past, I could not see that future, things were cloudy instead. The same pattern of revelation can been seen in this experience. Maybe you have had experiences like that too.  

Heavenly Father will present a clear view if we are to go in a certain direction, even if there are unknowns and even if that direction will bring great testing and challenges.  It isn't a perfect road, but it is the perfect road for us to be on.  Ask, seek, listen and let Him lead you to that perfect road :)

Arise to the Plans God has for Your Life

Pregnancy changes a lot of things, especially when you are ill with, no, not morning sickness, but all-day-strong-all-day-long-sickness. Overwhelming nausea, pain, fatigue and plethora of other things really take you out of the game for a while.  I have had to re-prioritize life the last three months. For month #1, everything took a back seat to the horrendous sensations occurring inside my body. Grocery shopping? I couldn't enter a store and look at all that food. Gag me! Cleaning? Cooking? Just playing with my toddler? Haha, yeah, no. Those were impossible to accomplish.
I was forced to slow down, waaaaaaaay down, and I hate having to do that. I wasn't able to care well for my daughter or connect in everyday ways with my husband.  I had to cut my caseload at work and couldn't fulfill the duties of my calling in the primary presidency. I had specific plans to serve others during the Christmas season, and was forced to abandon them all. The guilt of not doing my part in so many arenas was absolutely crushing.
My dear friend Jordy, the primary president, knew how bad I had it; we even had a major bawl-session in the middle of church as we both considered the implications of what my new situation meant, being released. She gave me a quote clipped from the Ensign that made her think of me, "When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most." (Elder Hales, Oct. 2015 GC address).
But so many of the things I was doing DO matter most! I thought. Were caring for my daughter and husband not at the top of the 'Most Important Matters' list?? I was frustrated at the Lord that others had to suffer also, no matter how important the task of creating a baby was!
I am one of those people who thinks I have to be doing something outwardly for others all the time to be "purposeful".  It's part of a not-so-lovely characteristic called "perfectionism". My heart knows that's not the case, but my head and the Adversary really like to pull me in the other direction.  It's a constant tug-of-war inside my head.
Being able to do hardly anything during this time caused me to feel I wasn't fulfilling my personal missions.  My main "ministries" the last couple of years have been being a mother and wife, supporting my friends, Primary, and family history and temple work.  I found purpose and joy in those that was unmatched; they are such a part of me! Becoming abruptly ill stopped them all, like being blindsided by the biggest tackle on the football field. I, quite frankly, lost myself. 
I knew from experience that my body would have to get to a better place in order to feel better emotionally, but that right then, in those awful days, I didn't want to be miserable anymore. In order for that to change, I wanted desperately to change my perspective.  I had no idea how that would happen while I was still grossly ill-when you are so physically and mentally compromised sometimes you really can't pull yourself out, no matter what so many self-help gurus say! But I knew that Heavenly Father could do it.  I got on my knees and asked of Him one simple request: I don't know how it will happen, but please help change my heart. Well, it didn't take long for the change to come. 
It all goes back to my attendance at Time Out for Women last November.  The theme was "Arise": "To arise...to discover...and to believe that God has plans for your life."  The thing that stuck with me the most were the main questions that were posed to all us women in the convention center: 

"What plans does God have for my life right now?Where is my greatest area of influence in this season of my life?" 

Those questions had a profound impact upon me, and ended up answering my prayer. But not all at once!  The seed was planted, but more things happened over the next weeks that helped it come full circle. 
First of all, I started letting go of all the "to-dos" or "do-not's" I had for myself before I got pregnant that I realized could wait until I was feeling better to do again. Things such as cooking dinner every night, always having the housework done, exercising, visiting family and friends, family history work, playing a few hours a day with my daughter, Gracie, and blogging. I accepted that I could have the TV on several hours a day for this period of months and it wouldn't ruin my daughter, making her a screen zombie for life. It's okay, ladies!! Sometimes life just needs to be like that to survive! Right then, I did just need to survive and not stress myself out more as my body created this child. After all, even while laying on the couch most of the day, a pregnant mother is always productive growing a baby inside her!
Soon I started having more good in my days and wasn't in constant survival mode. I wasn't and still am not fully functioning like I was before, but it is enough that I am able to care for my family and household, and focus on "what matters most".  My greatest area of influence right now is focusing on myself, and my little family of three. 
I have more time to spend with my daughter, which has renewed our relationship and been a blessing before a new baby comes to take more of my attention.  My husband, Brian, has served in our home so selflessly, taking over most of the care duties when he arrives home from a 10-hour day at work. I have gained a greater love and admiration for him, my hero!  While I haven't been able to serve others, others have so generously served me, expanding my network of friends and increasing my desire to serve when I am able to.
My challenges have driven me to seek the light of the Spirit in large amounts. And because I don't have the energy to do much, I don't feel the pull of so many other things that I need more energy to be able to do instead! In these quiet slow days at home, I turn more to my scriptures, study the words of the prophets, listen to uplifting programs and music and be am increasingly introspective. I have been spiritually rejuvenated in ways I haven't in a long time!  I can honestly say that the Spirit has confirmed multiple times to me that spending all this time on nurturing my own spirit is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now. I don't know exactly what for, but perhaps because with this new baby, I am going to need to be more spiritually and emotionally fortified.
I read an interesting concept along this train of thought. Sometimes we don't have things go the way we plan, and we have to do less than we set out to do.  Those periods can be referred to as "gatherings", where we are preparing ourselves for what we are meant to do in the future. 
"The concept that, at times, the most powerful thing one can do is to invest in oneself, without signs of great outward progress, is one that is difficult to grasp today. We're so keen to arrive right now, to check this or that objective off our lists and move on, that we have trouble realizing that periods of gathering-our strength, tools, and experiences-are as significant as the big, external leaps forward along our paths." [Nancy Koehn, Forged In Crisis]
If that doesn't describe what I have written here, than I don't know what does! Sometimes we are meant to have times of inward progress without the outward. Out path in life can change in an instant, and it is part of God's plan for us!
I learned this through my calling in primary coming to an end.  I never imagined my time in primary was going to be done before our entire presidency was released together.  The prospect of leaving the children and the ladies I serve with literally felt like my heart was being ripped out. I wanted to stay more than anything, though I admit that I longed to be free of the stress I had been having since not being able to fulfill my duties.
For a while it looked as though an unofficial "assistant" would be called to help where I could not until I was feeling better. But then I got a text from the executive secretary asking for me to meet with the Bishop. My chest tightened and I broke into uncontrollable sobs at the words on the screen.
I contacted Jordy in urgency about it and her loving response was: "Know that I love you and that I don't want you to go. But I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, for you and for Primary." 
I had a hard time accepting these words. This is not the plan! Why would he take this away from me?!?
I went into the meeting with a feeling of peace but also foreboding. Our dear Bishop had been pondering and seeking inspiration for several weeks concerning this and felt to extend me a release so I could focus on my family.  Even though I was expecting it, I was still kind-of shocked! I explained calmly that while yes, it had been stressful, I didn't want to leave because of my connections to the kids and leaders. 
Well, the Lord had a better plan for me than I could have imagined. The Bishopric had the strong feeling they should allow me to stay in primary on special assignment to the presidency.  I could be there as much or as little as I liked and my body allowed! Wow! I was overwhelmed with ah to say the least, and accepted then and there. 
While it was hard to process no longer being in the leadership position I enjoyed, it hit me hard as I prayed that evening that this was, without a doubt, my Father's plan for me. And it was His plan for the new counselor who took my place and for the whole primary.  I felt complete peace and acceptance. The one word I use to describe what I felt coming down from heaven that night was that I knew Heavenly Father cared for me.  He cared so much about my emotional health to remove the mantle of stress but allow me to continue being an influence with the precious souls in primary. I felt it as tangible as the caring I receive from my Dad, and from that night, I will never forget how much my Father really cares about each of us.
For me, that one experience will stand out as a testament that God's plans are the best for us, and He will ask us to change our areas of influence at different seasons of our lives. As we answer those calls, we will find new purpose and great joy!  We will find out more about Him and ourselves.
I can say that although it isn't smiles and sunshine all the time now here at our house, we do have much more of those in an otherwise very trying time. I am rolling with the pregnancy punches and grabbing hold of the new plans God has designed for me. I can't wait to re-discover, over and over again, the answers to the questions, "What plans does God have for my life right now?  Where is my greatest area of influence in this season of my life?" I hope we will Arise to the plans He has for each of us.