I was forced to slow down, waaaaaaaay down, and I hate having to do that. I wasn't able to care well for my daughter or connect in everyday ways with my husband. I had to cut my caseload at work and couldn't fulfill the duties of my calling in the primary presidency. I had specific plans to serve others during the Christmas season, and was forced to abandon them all. The guilt of not doing my part in so many arenas was absolutely crushing.
My dear friend Jordy, the primary president, knew how bad I had it; we even had a major bawl-session in the middle of church as we both considered the implications of what my new situation meant, being released. She gave me a quote clipped from the Ensign that made her think of me, "When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most." (Elder Hales, Oct. 2015 GC address).
But so many of the things I was doing DO matter most! I thought. Were caring for my daughter and husband not at the top of the 'Most Important Matters' list?? I was frustrated at the Lord that others had to suffer also, no matter how important the task of creating a baby was!
I am one of those people who thinks I have to be doing something outwardly for others all the time to be "purposeful". It's part of a not-so-lovely characteristic called "perfectionism". My heart knows that's not the case, but my head and the Adversary really like to pull me in the other direction. It's a constant tug-of-war inside my head.
Being able to do hardly anything during this time caused me to feel I wasn't fulfilling my personal missions. My main "ministries" the last couple of years have been being a mother and wife, supporting my friends, Primary, and family history and temple work. I found purpose and joy in those that was unmatched; they are such a part of me! Becoming abruptly ill stopped them all, like being blindsided by the biggest tackle on the football field. I, quite frankly, lost myself.
I knew from experience that my body would have to get to a better place in order to feel better emotionally, but that right then, in those awful days, I didn't want to be miserable anymore. In order for that to change, I wanted desperately to change my perspective. I had no idea how that would happen while I was still grossly ill-when you are so physically and mentally compromised sometimes you really can't pull yourself out, no matter what so many self-help gurus say! But I knew that Heavenly Father could do it. I got on my knees and asked of Him one simple request: I don't know how it will happen, but please help change my heart. Well, it didn't take long for the change to come.
It all goes back to my attendance at Time Out for Women last November. The theme was "Arise": "To arise...to discover...and to believe that God has plans for your life." The thing that stuck with me the most were the main questions that were posed to all us women in the convention center:
"What plans does God have for my life right now?Where is my greatest area of influence in this season of my life?"
Those questions had a profound impact upon me, and ended up answering my prayer. But not all at once! The seed was planted, but more things happened over the next weeks that helped it come full circle. First of all, I started letting go of all the "to-dos" or "do-not's" I had for myself before I got pregnant that I realized could wait until I was feeling better to do again. Things such as cooking dinner every night, always having the housework done, exercising, visiting family and friends, family history work, playing a few hours a day with my daughter, Gracie, and blogging. I accepted that I could have the TV on several hours a day for this period of months and it wouldn't ruin my daughter, making her a screen zombie for life. It's okay, ladies!! Sometimes life just needs to be like that to survive! Right then, I did just need to survive and not stress myself out more as my body created this child. After all, even while laying on the couch most of the day, a pregnant mother is always productive growing a baby inside her!
Soon I started having more good in my days and wasn't in constant survival mode. I wasn't and still am not fully functioning like I was before, but it is enough that I am able to care for my family and household, and focus on "what matters most". My greatest area of influence right now is focusing on myself, and my little family of three.
I have more time to spend with my daughter, which has renewed our relationship and been a blessing before a new baby comes to take more of my attention. My husband, Brian, has served in our home so selflessly, taking over most of the care duties when he arrives home from a 10-hour day at work. I have gained a greater love and admiration for him, my hero! While I haven't been able to serve others, others have so generously served me, expanding my network of friends and increasing my desire to serve when I am able to.
My challenges have driven me to seek the light of the Spirit in large amounts. And because I don't have the energy to do much, I don't feel the pull of so many other things that I need more energy to be able to do instead! In these quiet slow days at home, I turn more to my scriptures, study the words of the prophets, listen to uplifting programs and music and be am increasingly introspective. I have been spiritually rejuvenated in ways I haven't in a long time! I can honestly say that the Spirit has confirmed multiple times to me that spending all this time on nurturing my own spirit is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now. I don't know exactly what for, but perhaps because with this new baby, I am going to need to be more spiritually and emotionally fortified.
I read an interesting concept along this train of thought. Sometimes we don't have things go the way we plan, and we have to do less than we set out to do. Those periods can be referred to as "gatherings", where we are preparing ourselves for what we are meant to do in the future.
"The concept that, at times, the most powerful thing one can do is to invest in oneself, without signs of great outward progress, is one that is difficult to grasp today. We're so keen to arrive right now, to check this or that objective off our lists and move on, that we have trouble realizing that periods of gathering-our strength, tools, and experiences-are as significant as the big, external leaps forward along our paths." [Nancy Koehn, Forged In Crisis]
If that doesn't describe what I have written here, than I don't know what does! Sometimes we are meant to have times of inward progress without the outward. Out path in life can change in an instant, and it is part of God's plan for us!
I learned this through my calling in primary coming to an end. I never imagined my time in primary was going to be done before our entire presidency was released together. The prospect of leaving the children and the ladies I serve with literally felt like my heart was being ripped out. I wanted to stay more than anything, though I admit that I longed to be free of the stress I had been having since not being able to fulfill my duties.
For a while it looked as though an unofficial "assistant" would be called to help where I could not until I was feeling better. But then I got a text from the executive secretary asking for me to meet with the Bishop. My chest tightened and I broke into uncontrollable sobs at the words on the screen.
I contacted Jordy in urgency about it and her loving response was: "Know that I love you and that I don't want you to go. But I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, for you and for Primary."
I had a hard time accepting these words. This is not the plan! Why would he take this away from me?!?
I went into the meeting with a feeling of peace but also foreboding. Our dear Bishop had been pondering and seeking inspiration for several weeks concerning this and felt to extend me a release so I could focus on my family. Even though I was expecting it, I was still kind-of shocked! I explained calmly that while yes, it had been stressful, I didn't want to leave because of my connections to the kids and leaders.
Well, the Lord had a better plan for me than I could have imagined. The Bishopric had the strong feeling they should allow me to stay in primary on special assignment to the presidency. I could be there as much or as little as I liked and my body allowed! Wow! I was overwhelmed with ah to say the least, and accepted then and there.
While it was hard to process no longer being in the leadership position I enjoyed, it hit me hard as I prayed that evening that this was, without a doubt, my Father's plan for me. And it was His plan for the new counselor who took my place and for the whole primary. I felt complete peace and acceptance. The one word I use to describe what I felt coming down from heaven that night was that I knew Heavenly Father cared for me. He cared so much about my emotional health to remove the mantle of stress but allow me to continue being an influence with the precious souls in primary. I felt it as tangible as the caring I receive from my Dad, and from that night, I will never forget how much my Father really cares about each of us.
For me, that one experience will stand out as a testament that God's plans are the best for us, and He will ask us to change our areas of influence at different seasons of our lives. As we answer those calls, we will find new purpose and great joy! We will find out more about Him and ourselves.
I can say that although it isn't smiles and sunshine all the time now here at our house, we do have much more of those in an otherwise very trying time. I am rolling with the pregnancy punches and grabbing hold of the new plans God has designed for me. I can't wait to re-discover, over and over again, the answers to the questions, "What plans does God have for my life right now? Where is my greatest area of influence in this season of my life?" I hope we will Arise to the plans He has for each of us.
