"Hurt, But Not Broken"

I love the movie, "Dolphin Tale". The film is based on the real-life dolphin, Winter.

Winter with her new tail!

Winter's tail had to be amputated in order for her to live, but she couldn't swim without causing damage to her spine. But a doctor who made prosthetics (played by Morgan Freeman) was able to make a new tail for her (after much trial error) that worked.  The movie also features a young soldier who was wounded in action in the middle east and couldn't walk without the help of a brace.

There is a poignant part in the film where the doctor and soldier are talking in the hospital; the soldier wallowing in pity due to his disability.  He says something to the effect that he is no good and can't do anything anymore.  The good Dr. tells him, "You aren't worthless and you're not broken."  He then proceeds to pick up a glass and drop it, where it shatters on the floor.  "That's broken.  You may be hurt, but you aren't broken." 

What wisdom and insight if in the those words!  I thought a lot about that this week.  I had another gut attack and was out of commission (more than usual) for a few days.  I also had a test at the U of U hospital, and the results came up negative.  Truth be told, I was really hoping this one would come up positive, because it would explain a lot of the problems I've had.  So many things I have fit with this particular condition, and I had high hopes of finally finding answers.  But alas, it wasn't to be.  I had my breakdown in the hospital room, letting me hopes abruptly to end.  That, on top of being really sick for the second time in a month, reallllllly got me down.  I felt so...broken.

I wonder most days if I'll ever feel whole again. I exercise my faith and hope as much as I can, but to date those haven't lead to the blessings and answers I'd hoped for. Don't get my wrong, good things still happen, and I know Heavenly Father is watching over me.  But still the hurt is so great that I don't want to have to take one more blow.

But this analogy in the movie of, "You may be hurt, but you aren't broken", is a great metaphor for the Atonement. Because of Christ, I can never be completely broken.  You can never be broken. Christ let himself be completely broken so we don't ever have to be.  It's in those times when we are hurting the most that we can become stronger, if we let Him. We may be hurt, but we aren't broken, even if we don't feel "whole".

Change Your Questions, Change Your Life!

Today I pulled out a book my mother gave me a couple of years ago, one that I love but have neglected the past several months.  It is Wendy Watson Nelson's "Change Your Questions, Change Your Life".  This book is A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!!!  Simply amazing.

"Questions can be so powerful!  They can help us to see, feel, think, and do things differently! Do you want better relationships?  Then ask better questions.  Do you want a great life? Learn to ask great questions," she states. After talking about different types of questions, Wendy challenges readers to examine what questions they have consciously and sub-consciously been asking themselves and the impact those questions have on their outlook and attitude on life.  

As I read through the first half of the book, I took Wendy's challenge, asking myself specific questions and recording my answers and thoughts.  I learned that most of the questions I had been asking had, without me realizing it, been doing some not good things (to say it lightly) for me.  Instead of enlivening and encouraging me and enlarging my life, they were depressing, discouraging and demoralizing me.  They invited fear and frustration into my life, instead of joy.

I found myself wanting earnestly to change my questions, not because someone told me it would be good idea, but because I wanted to.  I desperately wanted to ask questions that would help me look for the sunshine through the clouds, not constantly brood in my bitterness and broken dreams.  

I am so glad that I brought the book out today.  I've fallen back to a more cynical path the past few months, and I want to get back on the sunny side of the street.  I'll need to do some re-examination of the questions I'm asking myself, especially the destructive little ones that have wiggled their way into my psyche and settled down deep. I can bear you my witness that changing your questions can truly change your life.  And there is no better guide than Jesus Christ, and the book, "Change Your Questions..." is the best one of the best physical road maps I have found.  I'm going to post different excerpts from the book here and there and hope ya'll will post your own questions that have helped change your life, for one question from you may help change another's life too.

Believe in You...

Sometimes in life it's hard to believe in ourselves.  We struggle and doubt our ability to perform certain tasks, reach goals and overcome obstacles.  We don't know if we have what it takes to make it through.  Through school, work, relationships, illness or injury.
This has been a recurring theme in my life, especially when things just get harder, harder, and yes, even harder.  I guess I've learned to expect things to get worse, and maybe that's why some things have.  I've been a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I wonder how I can ever make it through to the other side of a challenge in life. But at the same time, God has been beside me and proven to me that I can make it through.  It may not be pretty and I may come out scarred, but I also come out with a new realization that I can do more than I think I can because I just did it.
There are a few particular people I know who are amazingly strong. A woman I work with has survived a battle with cancer and now lives with chronic pain and fatigue that are very hard to bear.  But she comes to work every single day, performs her responsibilities very well and is a hardworking, loving mother, sister and friend.  When we asked each other how we were doing one morning this past week, we both said we were feeling tired and yucky but we'd get through the day anyway.  It's just we have learned to do.  But I told her that I've often had the feeling that if someone else could feel for one day what we feel every day, they may very well be calling in sick to work and spending the day in bed.  So really-and I do not say this boastfully- we are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. And sometimes it is the strongest people who need to believe more in themselves.  This quote by Pres. Gordon B. Hinkley says it best:
"Believe in yourself.  Believe in your capacity to do great and good things.  Believe that no mountain is so high that you cannot climb it.  Believe that no storm is so great that you cannot weather it.  You are not destined to be a scrub.  You are a child of God, of infinite capacity.
"Believe that you can do it-whatever it is that you set your heart on.  Opportunities will unfold and open before you.  The skies will clear when they have been black with portent."
I love that!  We don't just have the ability to do great things, we have the infinite capacity to do anything.  I'm going to try harder to believe in myself, and I hope you will too.

Music speaks to our souls

Music is such an important part of all of our lives.  It moves us to laugh, cry, think, ponder, even behave in certain ways.  In music we express our innermost feelings and desires, share stories and testimonies, and shout or whisper praise and gratitude to God.  (That last one is my favorite!) I guess the thing about music that makes it so powerful is that it speaks directly to the soul.
Music is a place of solace for me.  Good music helps me feel joy, humility, love and hope.  When things are especially tough, music is the one thing other than prayer and the scriptures that I turn to for comfort.  Today I want to share one song that I love very much. It's my life story in a nutshell. It's called, "Just Let Me Cry" by Hilary Weeks, one of my favorite artists. I like it so much because it doesn't say that everything is going to be hunky-dorey and happy.  It acknowledges that whatever pain we're having today isn't going away, but that it's okay to cry about it. And that's real.  It's the reality of my life.  It's the reality for my cousin who's fighting brain cancer; for the family I know that just lost their father; for each and every one of us at some point in our lives. The lyrics are below, but listening to it is so much more powerful, so please click here to listen to it for yourself:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zt0BKDOe3x0.  I hope you enjoy it!

Just Let Me Cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
We’re not just tossed by the wind,
or left in the hands of fate.
But sometimes life sends a storm that’s unexpected.
And we’re forced to face our deepest pain.
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under...
I dig my heels in deep,
and I fight to keep my ground.
Still, at times the hurt inside grows stronger.
And there’s nothing I can do but let out...

So just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me.
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break.
But I know He knows exactly how I’m feeling...
And I know in time He’ll take the pain away.
But for now...

Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.

I have felt joy,
the kind that makes my heart want to sing.
And so my tears are not a surrender,
I’ll feel that way again.
But for now...For this moment...
Just let me cry.
I know it’s hard to see.
But the pain I feel isn’t going away today.
Just let me cry.
Till every tear has fallen.
Don’t ask when...and don’t ask why.
Just let me cry.


What music or songs speak to you? Please share!

Trusting through the Trial...

My souvenirs from the E.R. (Har, har, har.)

What a week! Some of you know that I began experiencing severe-and I'm talkin' E.X.T.R.E.M.E!!!-abdominal pain last Wednesday afternoon that sent me to the Emergency Room.  This was a complication of some problems I've had for the last month.  After a few tests, several vials of blood, and a bunch of poking and prodding from a very ornery nurse, I was sent home with no conclusive answers as to what was wrong.  I had hope that the worst was over only to get home and become violently ill.  No need to paint you all a picture of what happened but it was wicked.  I hadn't been sick like that since I had an intestinal infection six years ago.
After 24 more hours and 45 trips to the bathroom, I was back in the ER because I couldn't keep anything down and was dehydrated.  They released me just after midnight and I went home to get 5 hours of unsettled sleep before it was time to be up and back to IMC for an abdominal MRI.  Man, was I tired. And not only me, my dear mother, who was sick with a nasty cold herself, was exhausted.
Thankfully my MRI came back normal, but I still don't know what's wrong with me.  Since last week the possibilities have been narrowed down to a few options. It will take a few weeks to talk to doctors, get tests scheduled and completed, and get results.
Through the first few days of this latest trial, I was very scared.  I was feeling pain I'd never felt before, sickness that I hadn't had in years, and my thoughts couldn't get off all the bad that was happening to me in that moment.  My mind zoomed in on the past, where my illness had lasted 3 months, to the future, where I thought I was never going to get better, where nothing would ever change.  I was anxious, and I struggled with the fact that I couldn't feel the spirit and felt like God had once again abandoned me.  How can you let this happen?!? I cried.  Please don't make me go through this again!  Why, with everything else that's happened to me in my life and with how little I have right now, would you do this to me?
You see, I believe everything happens for a reason, probably a little (or maybe a lot) more than I should.  I don't believe in coincidence or luck.  I don't believe bad things happen without a real purpose behind them either.  And at this particular time I prayed aloud, "What is the purpose of this?!? What good is supposed to come from this?!"  I couldn't help it; I was too distraught.  At this point I awful because I wasn't, "enduring well", or, "cheerfully" my adversity. I  felt like a spoiled child, whining, complaining, kicking and screaming my whole way through.
Looking back, I can now see that my initial response and emotions weren't because I was an unfaithful person, they were because I was a human being experiencing opposition.  God doesn't expect us to always immediately submit cheerfully to our problems.  Some people may be able to do that, and all power to 'em, but if God expected that we all do that all the time in order to be saved, then none of us would be making it to the Celestial Kingdom.
What I'm saying is that it's okay to have hard times, and to let ourselves feel our true emotions, while at the same time trusting that our Savior is walking with us, helping us all the way through, even when we may not feel Him, even when we aren't happy with our own performance. We can be scared and trust in Him at the same time. And it's going through the fear and doubt and sorrow and coming out on the other side of them; seeing that God has been there all along, and feeling the love and joy from getting to that place, that is the real lesson and gift here.
I don't know yet what the ultimate cause of my problems are, but I believe that the answer is out there.  It may come after a lot of trial and error tests, tears and smiles, disappointments and hopes.  It may be needed that I spend a certain amount of time, money and energy in order to find the answers.  In the end, I have faith that none of that will be wasted.  This will turn out.  Answers will be found, treatment set forth and, I do believe, some sort of restoration of health given.  I give this all to Him, who knows and has all the answers. He'll give them, in His time.
I hope we can all have the courage to do the same.

What great challenge caused you a lot of fear and doubt, and what did you ultimately learn from it?

Receiving a Witness after Faith...

I was reading in Divine Signatures by Gerald Lund today (AMAZING book, by the way. I highly recommend it, but more on that later!) and Elder Lund was talking about the trials of our faith.  He quotes Ether 12:5: "They did not believe because they saw....not."  The Jaredites in in this passage refused to believe in what the prophets were saying because they had no evidence or proof that they could see for themselves.  Moroni continues saying, "I would show unto the world that faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."
Simple principle, right?  We hear and are reminded of them all the time, and there are so many principles such as this.  But how many times do we stop and take a hard enough look at our lives to realize that maybe we're dismissing them or denying them after all?  That happened to me today.  This hit me like a ton of bricks-or should I say, two-the chastening kind, and the hoping kind.
In the everyday struggle that is life, I want God to lead me.  My problem is that in the decisions I make, especially those concerning my healthcare, to me, I have to feel (aka the Spirit) that they are right and are going to lead me to the solutions I am hoping for.  If I don't feel an overwhelming sense of peace, I worry that I'm going down the right path and go forward in doubt or don't move all together. It's paralyzing!  I realize every now and again (I need a lot of reminders) that requiring a "feeling" from the spirit in order for me to have hope for something is exactly against what the principle of faith is all about.  I was subconsciously expecting Heavenly Father for a witness (i.e. evidence, proof, confirmation, testimony) before I had a trial of my faith.  I exercised a certain amount of faith, all right; we all do everyday.  But I don't think the true trial of faith occurred.  I didn't give it the chance.  I simple said, "Well, I don't have the feeling it's going to work, so why do it?  If I do it, why get my hopes up?  I'll do it, but I won't really be expecting anything good to come from it."
I think we do this a little every day, with whatever our circumstances or challenges.  Some may have more trials of  their faith than others.  Others still may have more arduous ones than the person next to them.  We can't see the end from the beginning, and we are not supposed to.  That actually is more relieving, than burdening.  It's relieving to know that God expects us to cast our situations, worries and problems at His divine feet.  I haven't had a witness telling me that the efforts I am making are going to have successful outcomes, but I have a quiet reassurance that something will come, someday.  And I do believe that throwing in the towel and not exercising faith and hope will only slow us down.  Faith is a principle with a promise: If we move forward and use it, we will, without a doubt, receive a witness of it when our trial is done, whenever that may come.
What helps you exercise your faith and hope in life's challenges?

What does Home mean to you...

It's been an emotional day.  It's good that ya'll can only read this and not see me!  But while the emotions may be strong, they are not all bad.  I'm feeling a "good hurt" today, and here's why.  My maternal grandparents passed away 3 months apart from each other last year, and their children put their home up for sale not more than 2 weeks ago.  My mom had been saying for the past few months that she believed the home would sell quickly and to the "right" people. Well, they held an open house last Saturday and among the fifteen people who walked through was a sweet young couple.  They are home renovators who were looking for a nice, quaint house to call their own.  They were taken aback with the good condition of the home, the crown molding, and the garage, which is a contractors dream-my grandpa was a contractor and made that large, heated, ventilated garage to hold all the tools and gadgets he needed to do his work.  Too bad the tools had already been sold. Darn.

But that didn't deter this couple.  The wife told my aunt that she had such a wonderful, warm feeling come over her when she was in the house.  They left, but came driving back around to look at the home again before they went home.  A few days later they visited the home again, with papers to draw up plans for some renovations.  To make a long story short, my aunt received an email from them yesterday saying that they were looking forward to making her parent's house their new home.  The offer was given today and the papers should be signed very soon.  

Our family has been blessed with one tender mercy through this trial of tears; too many to name.  The passing of this home, the only home my grandparent's children have ever known, is the latest one.  For it to sell so quickly, and to a couple who love it and we can tell are going to take very good care of it is a blessing from Heavenly Father, and my grandparent's.  Their spirits are still in that home, just as they are still with us.

It didn't help that I heard, "Temporary Home" from Carrie Underwood on the radio today.  The last verse always makes me think of my grandpa, but today my mind was drawn to the physical house they called their home.  I am going to miss that home, and all the beautiful, wonderful memories that were made inside it: Christmas Eve dinners, 24th of July celebrations where we could visit on the back patio and watch the fireworks shoot off from the baseball park 50 yards down the street, sleeping over when my parents were out of town, jumping off the front porch.  

So today, my hurt is good, because it's painful saying goodbye to this home, to the physical ties to my grandparents, but at the same time I'm reliving all the good times.  I know that no matter what, I will always have those memories.  More than that, I know that I will always have my family.    My heart is so full, but I can't possibly express all I am feeling, so I won't try to.  All you need to know is that I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ and that my family and I have been sealed together for time and all eternity. 

What does home mean to you?

In memory of O. Gordon Lyman and Caralyn Hansen Lyman