From His Palms to Mine

Scars are a reminder of so many things: an accident, a surgery, a seemingly funny stunt that went terribly awry, or a traumatizing event that you wish you could forget. We talk about them as accolades: "Ooo, where did you get that?" or "You've gotta here about the time I did..." We laugh about them, we cry about them, but rarely do love them. But there is one set of scars that exists solely for love, the scars from the nails driven into Jesus Christ's hands.
I have always loved the scripture that says, "I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands" (Isaiah 49:16), something that shows that He remembers each one of us. I came to a witness of that reality when I received scars on my own hands.
Several months ago, I was going through a serious rough patch, and though there were prayers for so many things, the number one thing was to feel my Heavenly Father and Savior's love for me-broken down, imperfect me. I knew They loved me, but I just needed to feel it. A few months went by, and the heavens were silent.
One morning I woke up with pain radiating down my right arm. I thought I just slept on it funky and it would clear up. But the next day, it increased to severe burning and stabbing pains, particularly on one spot on my right palm. That wouldn't have concerned me so much if it weren't for the fact that tiny bumps started to form in that space.
In three days time the bumps became very red and prominent, and a thought came to my mind, "What if this is Shingles?" Holy heck did that freak me out. Shingles! You only hear horrendous things about Shingles! I called my sister, a nurse, who immediately after hearing those symptoms came to the same conclusion.
"Get in to see a doctor, like, NOW!" she told me. Well, that was 5 pm on a Friday night and my hubby wasn't even home from work. It had been an exceptionally turbulent day and at that moment I looked like a hot mess with a home that wasn't in much better shape than I. But I hurriedly shoved some food in my face and soon with Brian home and both children screaming, raced out the door.
As I drove away from home, which I felt I had fled in shambles, I wanted to sob but the tears wouldn't come.  I called my mom and vented out all fears: I couldn't get Shingles, I have two young children and my 14-month-old son had only just had his chicken pox vaccine 2 days earlier (I KID YOU NOT)!! I work with children under 3 and surely couldn't go to work with sores on my hands! I'd have to stay quarantined in my house! Sanitize everything! Wear gloves! And worry constantly if I was passing this dreaded thing onto my children. The pain could last for days, weeks, months! Gah!THIS COULD NOT BE HAPPENING!
My panic attack continued as I sat in the doctors office, feeling like I could not handle one more storm in life.  But that all changed when the doctor came in and gave me news that I thought would shatter my world, but instead, did quite the opposite...
"Yes, you've got Shingles, but I have never seen it manifest on the palms before.  The nerves the sores are resting on are so far beneath the skin, and the skin there is so thick, they may never blister. You've got them in probably the best spot to have them. This is the funniest thing..."
I could not believe it. I found myself smiling and laughing as I talked with her and the reality of the situation sunk in.  Shingles are brought on by stress, something that apparently for me had, haha-not-so-haha, gotten a little out of control.  Heavenly Father didn't alter the laws of the body and stop the shingles from coming, but He did allow them to occur in the one place, the one place, where they could be the least destructive. I clearly saw God's hand in this!
As I drove home, I thanked the Lord for caring so much for me! What happened next surprised me: I felt this gigantic, tender wave of love wash over me. I didn't just know in that moment that He loved me, I could feel Him pouring it on me, so overwhelming that the tears I had wanted so much to cry before cascaded down my cheeks. After all those months of pleading to feel His love for me, He answered my prayer, in a completely remarkable way-through a trial.
Those sores never blistered. I got on medication quickly, which decreased the severity and length of the pain so it didn't last more than a couple of weeks. Mine may be the least severe case of Shingles you'll ever hear of. All that's left is a few small scars that I can barely feel or see. But they are still significant to me!
We all want answers to our prayers, and sometimes heaven is silent.  But then God comes out, guns blazing (so to speak) and slaps you with it so hard that it leaves a more permanent mark. Those times can become anchor moments; moments that, in the aching, the suffering and the storm, exist to remind us of what we already know to be true, even if we can't  feel it right then. That is what I remember when I see and feel the scars on my hand-My Heavenly Father's love for me, and His Son, Jesus Christ, who loves me so much that He engraved me on the palms of His hands. Jesus hasn't just done that for me, He has done it for you.  Think on your own life story! And in those times of distress and doubt, cling to those moments of truth when He has witnessed His love for you.

Loving Each Other, From the Other Side of the Veil to This

I was literally just reading my scriptures and had an insightful thought that I just had to pen, or well, type down. Let's see how much of this I can get done before the kiddos wake up!
I was reading a particular chapter that spoke of the pre-existence and this was the pattern of my thought process: So before we came to earth, we lived in heaven with all of God's children; our brothers and sisters.  We don't remember who we knew in the pre-existence. There are only two people in my life I am confident I had close relationships with then: my mother and a guy that was my best friend for a while years ago that I had a special impact on.  Even as a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, it's hard to remember and feel in a very real way that every other human being is my brother or sister.  It's hard to just "love my neighbor", or more especially not "judge my neighbor."
I admit, I have a problem with judging, both myself and others.  I don't like that I do it, and I have been trying to get better at it. While it is easier to not speak or act upon judgments out loud, it is near impossible to stop them from just popping up in my head! But when I thought about that truth, that we all lived somewhere else with numberless concourses of souls, the thought that I could be judging someone here who I could have loved and been very close with there pierced my heart.  Think about it! A random person you judge on the street, or someone you know but don't like could have been your dearest relationship in the pre-existence! (Or maybe they lived hundreds of years ago, who knows? But regardless, everyone is one of our brothers and sisters! How could I face them in the hereafter, knowing I judged them so? How would that makes them feel to know I hadn't seen and loved them as I did? But more importantly, how would I be living up to the person I was before and the person I vowed to my Heavenly Father I would be by treating His children in a way I never fathomed I could? The question makes me shudder!
Now I know that when the veil is lifted from us and we once again have the memories we had before, there will be lots of love and joy and forgiveness, but that question still makes me think a whole lot more about how I look upon and treat others.  I reflect on who I might have been then and what I wanted to become here; certainly not someone who allows the natural man to have such power over her. We all start from scratch when we are born on this earth, so we can't blame ourselves for the follies of the humankind. But with the knowledge we have now of pre-mortal life and our Heavenly Father's plan, we have great accountability to put aside that natural man and learn to follow our Savior and His commandments, especially loving our neighbor. Whether they are acting like it here or not, every human who has been on this earth agreed with God and Jesus Christ's plan to come here and make it back to them.  Every human being you see has divinity running through their veins; each is a future God or Goddess. Are we really any better than them, by the way we see and treat them? Think about that...
In this day and age our unity in the human race is weakening as divisiveness grows. We need less judging, less name-calling, less putting-down of others for our own gain. We need more seeing people for who they really are: God's children, our brothers and sisters who lived alongside us with the same purpose. When our lives end, and we are once again on the other side, what will our reaction be when we realize what we have done and who we have become?

Let the Spirit Lead You to the Right Road

The Spirit truly is a beautiful thing.  We experienced it's work in our lives this past couple of months in a way that was, for us, truly miraculous.

For just over 3 years, my husband was working towards applying for grad school to become a physician's assistant (PA). This meant taking some new classes and some old ones over again, doing some volunteer work, studying for the GRE, and a slew of other things. It was hard and a lot of the times, tedious work.

Both he and I were excited for this prospect, though we knew that the road ahead would be rough. PA school is highly competitive and if I could put a number on it, I would say that less than 2% of applicants actually get accepted.  Yikes! Despite those odds, I supported Brian in his dream 100%.  But there was always this niggling, unsettled feeling in the back of my mind.  I couldn't see our future ahead of us, and felt very lost.

All these feelings came to a head about a year ago as we were preparing for our second round of applications.  A few weeks before Brian's first application deadline, I had a very strong feeling that we should not apply that year.  I didn't share this with him, knowing it would not be well received.  But could I blame him for that? No! It would be going against what he desired most and what he was working hard towards! It was interesting, it was like I had this feeling the entire time we were married but it was just becoming more powerful.

It turned out that Brian found out a couple of weeks later that the program that he had to apply through calculated all his classes GPA's together, not just the ones he had retaken, which therefore dropped his GPA to a level that would not make him eligible to apply.  All the years of hard work and hope were dashed in an instant.  But after the initial devastation came complete peace, for both him and I.  To some that would seem off, but to those who know the Spirit, we knew immediately that the Lord was telling us that not applying was the right thing. 

Though we knew that PA school was no longer the road to take, our limbo-ness was even greater, for now we had no road to follow at all.  For the next several months we sat in that limbo, batting around ideas for other schooling here and there and asking for direction to help us know what to do.  I didn't realize that the Spirit was working on my hubby until a couple of months ago when he came home from work with some exciting information on the MHA program at Weber State University.  We had discussed it before and it was looking like a program we could apply to, but nothing in all seriousness.  But that day he told me the ins and outs of the program, all of which fit us and our situation perfectly: lower overall cost of tuition with all books and fees included, along with being an online program, he would only have to attend in-class once at the beginning of each semester at on off-site campus closer to where we live, he could skip the GRE because he had several years of managerial experience (that was probably the biggest incentive!) and most of the graduates had great employment lined up before graduating because of internships. For a family with a working father with a new baby on the way, it was everything we could have asked for but didn't think to ask. Like the day that Brian learned his PA dream was no more, a warm, peaceful feeling washed over me. But something different came with this feeling: our future opened to my view. I could see Brian in a set career, us no longer being financially strapped, being able to purchase a home, settle down roots and for me to be able to stay at home with our children.  It wasn't a vision, per say, but that limbo-feeling left, and the knowledge that we would be able to achieve our dreams was firm. I gave him my immediate and enthusiastic approval-which isn't at all common for me!-and we decided together right then and there that we didn't need to apply to any other programs; this one just felt so right! Two weeks later, his application was in.

We didn't know exactly when a letter from the university would arrive, and we ended up waiting one killer-hard-of-a-month! We were both so extremely anxious to hear back, checking the snail-mail every single day-which we haven't done in the entire 3 years we have been married, haha. In that time, I began to doubt and, let's be honest, kinda freak out. Maybe it wasn't going to happen after all...maybe we should have applied to more schools, I thought. So many maybe, maybe, maybes! But that long, arduous wait made the coming news even more sweet.

Two weeks ago while I was preparing dinner in our little kitchen, Brian ran up to me from ten feet away, words coming out of his mouth so soft and gaspy like he was struggling to speak, "Sweetie!! Sweetie!! Sweetie!!" 

After a millisecond of surprise, I saw his phone in his hand, held our for me to see. After another millisecond of understanding that we had received what we had been waiting for, and being scared and excited all at once, I read the tiny words on the screen: "We would like to formally invite you to the Masters of Health Administration Graduate Program and Weber State University."

Brian already had tears streaming down his face and a waterfall broke from mine as well as we held each other tight and jumped up and down. The feeling we had had been right all along, Heavenly Father let us know before it happened that this was the right path for us to take.  Not to sound cliche, but our dreams were finally coming true!

We are very much looking forward to the opportunity this is for Brian and our family.  I have both giddy anticipation and peace, instead of the fear I did over the grueling lives of PA school students and their families.  I think of how I felt when I was dating Brian and could see our future together and felt the rightness of deciding to marry him, where with other young men I had dated in the past, I could not see that future, things were cloudy instead. The same pattern of revelation can been seen in this experience. Maybe you have had experiences like that too.  

Heavenly Father will present a clear view if we are to go in a certain direction, even if there are unknowns and even if that direction will bring great testing and challenges.  It isn't a perfect road, but it is the perfect road for us to be on.  Ask, seek, listen and let Him lead you to that perfect road :)

Arise to the Plans God has for Your Life

Pregnancy changes a lot of things, especially when you are ill with, no, not morning sickness, but all-day-strong-all-day-long-sickness. Overwhelming nausea, pain, fatigue and plethora of other things really take you out of the game for a while.  I have had to re-prioritize life the last three months. For month #1, everything took a back seat to the horrendous sensations occurring inside my body. Grocery shopping? I couldn't enter a store and look at all that food. Gag me! Cleaning? Cooking? Just playing with my toddler? Haha, yeah, no. Those were impossible to accomplish.
I was forced to slow down, waaaaaaaay down, and I hate having to do that. I wasn't able to care well for my daughter or connect in everyday ways with my husband.  I had to cut my caseload at work and couldn't fulfill the duties of my calling in the primary presidency. I had specific plans to serve others during the Christmas season, and was forced to abandon them all. The guilt of not doing my part in so many arenas was absolutely crushing.
My dear friend Jordy, the primary president, knew how bad I had it; we even had a major bawl-session in the middle of church as we both considered the implications of what my new situation meant, being released. She gave me a quote clipped from the Ensign that made her think of me, "When you cannot do what you have always done, then you only do what matters most." (Elder Hales, Oct. 2015 GC address).
But so many of the things I was doing DO matter most! I thought. Were caring for my daughter and husband not at the top of the 'Most Important Matters' list?? I was frustrated at the Lord that others had to suffer also, no matter how important the task of creating a baby was!
I am one of those people who thinks I have to be doing something outwardly for others all the time to be "purposeful".  It's part of a not-so-lovely characteristic called "perfectionism". My heart knows that's not the case, but my head and the Adversary really like to pull me in the other direction.  It's a constant tug-of-war inside my head.
Being able to do hardly anything during this time caused me to feel I wasn't fulfilling my personal missions.  My main "ministries" the last couple of years have been being a mother and wife, supporting my friends, Primary, and family history and temple work.  I found purpose and joy in those that was unmatched; they are such a part of me! Becoming abruptly ill stopped them all, like being blindsided by the biggest tackle on the football field. I, quite frankly, lost myself. 
I knew from experience that my body would have to get to a better place in order to feel better emotionally, but that right then, in those awful days, I didn't want to be miserable anymore. In order for that to change, I wanted desperately to change my perspective.  I had no idea how that would happen while I was still grossly ill-when you are so physically and mentally compromised sometimes you really can't pull yourself out, no matter what so many self-help gurus say! But I knew that Heavenly Father could do it.  I got on my knees and asked of Him one simple request: I don't know how it will happen, but please help change my heart. Well, it didn't take long for the change to come. 
It all goes back to my attendance at Time Out for Women last November.  The theme was "Arise": "To arise...to discover...and to believe that God has plans for your life."  The thing that stuck with me the most were the main questions that were posed to all us women in the convention center: 

"What plans does God have for my life right now?Where is my greatest area of influence in this season of my life?" 

Those questions had a profound impact upon me, and ended up answering my prayer. But not all at once!  The seed was planted, but more things happened over the next weeks that helped it come full circle. 
First of all, I started letting go of all the "to-dos" or "do-not's" I had for myself before I got pregnant that I realized could wait until I was feeling better to do again. Things such as cooking dinner every night, always having the housework done, exercising, visiting family and friends, family history work, playing a few hours a day with my daughter, Gracie, and blogging. I accepted that I could have the TV on several hours a day for this period of months and it wouldn't ruin my daughter, making her a screen zombie for life. It's okay, ladies!! Sometimes life just needs to be like that to survive! Right then, I did just need to survive and not stress myself out more as my body created this child. After all, even while laying on the couch most of the day, a pregnant mother is always productive growing a baby inside her!
Soon I started having more good in my days and wasn't in constant survival mode. I wasn't and still am not fully functioning like I was before, but it is enough that I am able to care for my family and household, and focus on "what matters most".  My greatest area of influence right now is focusing on myself, and my little family of three. 
I have more time to spend with my daughter, which has renewed our relationship and been a blessing before a new baby comes to take more of my attention.  My husband, Brian, has served in our home so selflessly, taking over most of the care duties when he arrives home from a 10-hour day at work. I have gained a greater love and admiration for him, my hero!  While I haven't been able to serve others, others have so generously served me, expanding my network of friends and increasing my desire to serve when I am able to.
My challenges have driven me to seek the light of the Spirit in large amounts. And because I don't have the energy to do much, I don't feel the pull of so many other things that I need more energy to be able to do instead! In these quiet slow days at home, I turn more to my scriptures, study the words of the prophets, listen to uplifting programs and music and be am increasingly introspective. I have been spiritually rejuvenated in ways I haven't in a long time!  I can honestly say that the Spirit has confirmed multiple times to me that spending all this time on nurturing my own spirit is what Heavenly Father wants me to be doing right now. I don't know exactly what for, but perhaps because with this new baby, I am going to need to be more spiritually and emotionally fortified.
I read an interesting concept along this train of thought. Sometimes we don't have things go the way we plan, and we have to do less than we set out to do.  Those periods can be referred to as "gatherings", where we are preparing ourselves for what we are meant to do in the future. 
"The concept that, at times, the most powerful thing one can do is to invest in oneself, without signs of great outward progress, is one that is difficult to grasp today. We're so keen to arrive right now, to check this or that objective off our lists and move on, that we have trouble realizing that periods of gathering-our strength, tools, and experiences-are as significant as the big, external leaps forward along our paths." [Nancy Koehn, Forged In Crisis]
If that doesn't describe what I have written here, than I don't know what does! Sometimes we are meant to have times of inward progress without the outward. Out path in life can change in an instant, and it is part of God's plan for us!
I learned this through my calling in primary coming to an end.  I never imagined my time in primary was going to be done before our entire presidency was released together.  The prospect of leaving the children and the ladies I serve with literally felt like my heart was being ripped out. I wanted to stay more than anything, though I admit that I longed to be free of the stress I had been having since not being able to fulfill my duties.
For a while it looked as though an unofficial "assistant" would be called to help where I could not until I was feeling better. But then I got a text from the executive secretary asking for me to meet with the Bishop. My chest tightened and I broke into uncontrollable sobs at the words on the screen.
I contacted Jordy in urgency about it and her loving response was: "Know that I love you and that I don't want you to go. But I also know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, for you and for Primary." 
I had a hard time accepting these words. This is not the plan! Why would he take this away from me?!?
I went into the meeting with a feeling of peace but also foreboding. Our dear Bishop had been pondering and seeking inspiration for several weeks concerning this and felt to extend me a release so I could focus on my family.  Even though I was expecting it, I was still kind-of shocked! I explained calmly that while yes, it had been stressful, I didn't want to leave because of my connections to the kids and leaders. 
Well, the Lord had a better plan for me than I could have imagined. The Bishopric had the strong feeling they should allow me to stay in primary on special assignment to the presidency.  I could be there as much or as little as I liked and my body allowed! Wow! I was overwhelmed with ah to say the least, and accepted then and there. 
While it was hard to process no longer being in the leadership position I enjoyed, it hit me hard as I prayed that evening that this was, without a doubt, my Father's plan for me. And it was His plan for the new counselor who took my place and for the whole primary.  I felt complete peace and acceptance. The one word I use to describe what I felt coming down from heaven that night was that I knew Heavenly Father cared for me.  He cared so much about my emotional health to remove the mantle of stress but allow me to continue being an influence with the precious souls in primary. I felt it as tangible as the caring I receive from my Dad, and from that night, I will never forget how much my Father really cares about each of us.
For me, that one experience will stand out as a testament that God's plans are the best for us, and He will ask us to change our areas of influence at different seasons of our lives. As we answer those calls, we will find new purpose and great joy!  We will find out more about Him and ourselves.
I can say that although it isn't smiles and sunshine all the time now here at our house, we do have much more of those in an otherwise very trying time. I am rolling with the pregnancy punches and grabbing hold of the new plans God has designed for me. I can't wait to re-discover, over and over again, the answers to the questions, "What plans does God have for my life right now?  Where is my greatest area of influence in this season of my life?" I hope we will Arise to the plans He has for each of us.

Follow the Right Voice

Words are very powerful. Words can build us up, and they can break us down. I am 100% a words girl.  Words of affirmation is my primary love language, I take notes and collect quotes-I have 6 notebooks full of powerful words I want to remember.  I write this blog in hopes of sharing words and ideas that uplift and help us to see the good. But, while I am one who wants to share goodness all around in order to build others up, I myself am my own worst enemy.

I collect positive words in order to help drive out the negative ones that roll around my head pretty much all day everyday, day in and day out. Trust me, you don't want to be inside my head. Even for one minute. It will make your cool head spin out of control!

My main thing is that I feel I never measure up, that I never put forth the absolute-tabsolute-best, and I therefore, I am a failure. I am way past perfectionist, if there ever can be such a thing! I have an OCD-like personality and so, when I get caught on something, most often a negative something, I can't stop thinking about it.  I shoulda-woulda-coulda-done this, that or whatever. I'm a terrible mom because of this, this and this. I'm a horrible wife because of that, that and that.  I tried to do this, but fell short and so it doesn't even matter that I did anything at all. You get the gist.

I realized a few years ago that the adversary knew me very, very well and that this was his way of attacking and tempting me. He knows that I am not going to smoke, drink, gamble, engage in inappropriate entertainment, or go against my core beliefs of the gospel. But he does know how much I love my Heavenly Father, how much I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, and how much I want to become a true disciple of Jesus Christ. So he attacks me with negative thoughts: negative words that come with feeling behind them that I am not doing good enough. 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Perhaps to every woman out there? Especially every Latter-Day Saint Woman who wants to live a virtuous and dedicated life? Satan is attacking us by causing us to demean and demoralize ourselves. He knows that if we know who we really are and the good that we can do, we are going to destroy his plan and take him out. So he wants to take us out, and he tricks us into doing it ourselves!

Having this realization was, to say the least, life changing, but even then, I have struggled to thwart the fiery darts of Satan and untangle myself from the web I have let him spin in my life.  It is so easy for me to give way to those thoughts; I have been buying into and believing them for so long. Giving into them leads to changes in behavior and really, affects all areas of life. I realized if this one thing I did was different, my life would be significantly improved. The adversary will stop at nothing to mess us the good things we are trying to do, even if it means making us feel that we aren't being good enough! 

Recently I've been introduced to a new approach to changing the way I see my thoughts, and that has been successful and encouraging. But this past week, I have had some, well, very blunt insights from the scriptures which have woken me up to the power I have allowed that darn devil to have in my life.

The first comes from 2 Nephi 4: 27-28. Each of the following references refers to sin, but what I took from it was not concerning sin, but rather the power that I allow Satan to have over me. They are not the same thing.

It says "Yea, why should I give way...that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul?

"Awake, my soul!...Rejoice O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul."

Can you just hear Nephi calling to you and to me: "Wake up!! Don't let Satan take up residence in your heart and mind! He'll destroy you!"

Those words could not describe better what I feel, that my peace is destroyed, and that these things riddle, infect and afflict my soul. But not only does Nephi say don't give way to the evil one, but he says to rejoice! Rejoice that there is a Savior and he does not feel this way about you! There is hope and there is goodness, and you don't have to wallow in this misery! 

The day after I read this scripture-randomly, I might add, but I knew it was a total tender mercy of the Lord-I was reading in Alma 5 when these verses, 38 and 39, jumped out at me:

"Behold, I say unto you, that the good shepherd doth call you, which is the name of Christ; and if ye will not hearken unto the voice of the good shepherd, to the name by which ye are called, behold, ye are not of the sheep of the good shepherd.

"And now if ye are not the sheep of the good shepherd, of what fold are ye? Behold, I say unto you, that the devil is your shepherd, and ye are of his fold; and now who can deny this?"

Alma goes on in verses 59 and 60 to talk about ravenous wolves entering into the flock, and the shepherd driving them out. It hit me.....holy crap, I have NOT been listening to the voice of the good shepherd, every time I believe the negative thoughts about myself.  I have been listening to and believing the wolf! In that sense, I have been following Satan, when all I hold most dear is to follow Christ. I felt such pain at this, even to the point of some physical pain.  I talked to my Heavenly Father right then and there and cried tears of apology that I had neglected to listen to Him and follow Him in this way.  I felt a peace rush over me, and I knew that He loved me and knew that I hadn't meant to do that. But I knew now.

The last one is from Alma 12, where Alma is contending with Zeezrom. Alma tells him that he has been taken in his craftiness and that they knew what he was trying to do to him and Amulek. He told him he knew that Zeezrom's plan was of the devil, but he describes this way, "Now this was the plan of THINE adversary, and he hath exercised power in thee."

The word thine practically shouted at me from the page! We usually hear Satan referred to as the adversary, but here it is specified as thine. That is quite significant. He was telling Zeezrom, "Dude! The guy who hates you and is planning your destruction is the one whose plans you are following. YOU ARE FOLLOWING YOUR ENEMY!!! YOUR ENEMY!! Does that not seem backwards to you?"

That's how it came across to me, however modern those words might be, ha ha. 

Do we realize that when we beat ourselves up that we are following our enemy's plan? Do we realize that every demeaning and demoralizing thought comes from the guy who wants to destroy us? Heavenly Father would never, EVER speak to us in those horrible ways.  He doesn't want us to treat ourselves the way we would never fathom treating another person. I believe as we see these abusive-let's be honest, that is what they are!-thoughts for what they really are and who they are really coming from, we will then have the knowledge to put forth our greatest power to overcome them. Focusing more on our Savior Jesus Christ and putting more faith in Him will help us to, even if it's slowly but surely, disbelieve and then outright reject those negative thoughts and feelings.

Sister Joy D. Jones, Primary General President of the Church said it best this past Women's Conference: "If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weakness, self-doubts or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves."

The Good Shepherd wants us to hearken to His loving voice. That means we need to not only listen, but believe and act upon those empowering words! As we do, we will know we are part of His fold-because we really already are!-and our joy and peace can no longer be destroyed.

The Truth about being Covenant Keepers

For several months I have been holding in tender and powerfully strong feelings concerning my engagement in family history work. No longer! I want to share how doing this work has been changing and brightening my life. It truly has been miraculous.

Family history can be a touchy subject for some people. We are urged a great deal in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to engage in this work, to save our ancestors by allowing them to have ordinances performed for them that open the doors to exaltation. Like many others, I grew up seeing "genealogy" as boring; it was something I heard spoken of by an aunt and uncle once a year at family reunions.

As a young adult, three times in three different wards I was called to be the Family History Specialist. By the second time you'd think that I would have realized the Lord was trying to tell me something! Although I felt that way and regularly joked about it, I didn't do more than dabble in it. I honestly felt guilty for teaching the Family History course and telling others about the importance of it, when I didn't do more than indexing myself.

Fast forward a few more years; I'm married and have a little baby girl. I hit an extremely rough patch: postpartum depression and anxiety that swallowed me whole.  I've struggled with depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life, but after Gracie arrived, it blindsided me, sacking me so hard that I yearned to no longer be in the game. The worst of it was constant anxiety over losing my innocent baby girl, or my husband, to some type of tragic death, or some other type of harm or injury coming to them. Words cannot describe what the thought of those did to me. It's the darkest place I have ever been.

I did all I thought I could; reaching out for support, trying to retrain my thinking, going to counseling and trying to give it all to the Savior.  I struggled, and I prayed, and then I prayed some more for direction from the Lord, something that He knew would help me.  I made some little leaps, but was far from making healing bounds.

Then, on a night I remember well, after a particularly exhausting day of battle, I received my answer. I knelt on our bed and pleaded desperately to my Heavenly Father for something that would help relieve the anxiety. I ended my prayer, then opened up a book I thought earlier in the day I could read in bed before going to sleep. My mother had given it to me five months earlier for Mother's Day, but that I had never started. I want to make it clear that I felt prompted to read this book; it wasn't just some coincidence. In that book, "Covenant Keepers", by Wendy Watson Nelson, was the answer: engage in family history and temple work for 21 days and you will have the help you are seeking for whatever distress you are having in your life right now. That distress will fall away.

Sister Nelson offered several examples of young women, in such positions as myself, who undertook her 21-day challenge and the results they had. They were truly stunning!  But there was one in particular that stood out to me: that of "a young mother who experienced a significant reduction in anxiety that required the use of medication", so much so that others in her family noticed the increased spirit in their home.

My eyes pretty much bugged out of my head when I read this! I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father had answered my prayer! I wanted this same result as this young mother for myself and did not doubt that it would happen if I tried it.  I wanted to and committed right away to take that 21-day challenge. But I didn't end my reading there that night; I digested more and more until I was half-way done with the short but powerful book.

I read Sister Nelson's own experience of discovering for herself the power that covenants hold for us.  Our covenants with God in the temple aren't just for ourselves, but they are for others that haven't been able to make those covenants.

The truth is that we don't realize how much power we have access to in our covenants. The more we keep our covenants, and the more we seek after our kindred dead, the more help we will receive in our lives. In doing family history and temple work, we will be unlocking the power of our covenants. She gives real life examples of how in holding to our covenants and helping others on the other side of the veil who want to make those same covenants to enter into God's kingdom, "Heaven has to respond." God will be unrestrained in blessing us.

Do you know what that means? Unrestrained? Nothing can hold it back! That does not mean that our problems will be removed, or that life will be easy and perfect. But it does mean that heaven can not be stopped from raining down more help that will, in Sister Nelson's words, "be more than we could ever imagine." 

I loved that! I'd quote her entire book here if I could, but you'll have to read it for yourself to feel the power for yourselves. I will tell you that the way she puts this casts the whole concept of covenants and the power they hold for us if we keep them in a whole new light.  It changed the way I see life as a whole. 

Why would we choose to live our lives in mediocrity when the power we can receive from keeping them is unlimited?  Why would  we choose to not unlock and access more and more of the power of God that is so readily there? I don't know about you, but I want and need as much of that heavenly help as I can receive. I need as much strength, as much light to combat the darkness, both physical and mental.

Now, I am not doing this just for the benefits that will come to myself.  I am doing it for the souls in the Spirit Prison that are yearning, some most desperately, for us to complete their work so they can receive exaltation and be with their families forever. They cannot be saved without us! How can we ignore them?!? I cannot!

Oh, the change I have experienced in my life since I took up Sister Nelson's challenge! I sacrificed some of my time doing other things like baking, watching TV or working out, to sit down at my computer and immerse myself in Family Search. It was hard at first to rearrange my "me" time, but the effects of it have been more than worth it. I don't miss that time very much, because I truly enjoy doing family history! It is fun! Kind-of like my own detective work! The Spirit that I feel as I find and complete the ordinance work for those who haven't had the opportunity to yet do so fills me with some of the greatest purpose I have ever known.

Several times the Spirit has washed over me in warm and glorious waves when I found certain names that needed work done. I most literally felt the joy of the people to whom those names belonged as they realized that they now will be in Spirit Prison no longer. Tears couldn't stop running in my eyes! For the first time, I took names I had found myself, to the temple.  It is so much more meaningful than using temple names.

I have found that my days flow better and I am better able to handle the challenges in them when I spend that sacred time. Surprisingly, I often have more time to do some other things for myself! Though it is still there, I experience a momentous reduction in my anxiety when I am consistently involved in the work that has allowed me to better enjoy my life without the incessant fear and darkness. Most of all, I have a peace I haven't felt in a long time. I can feel that Heavenly Father is pleased with my life, and that is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever had. I know that as I continue, heavenly help will be evermore present to aid me with whatever life throws my way.

The power we unlock as we keep our covenants and do family history and temple work is real and truly marvelous. Heaven must and does respond! I have seen it do so during the last 9 months of my life, and I am not about to stop.  It's almost unimaginable the blessings, peace and heavenly assistance that will flow to us.

The Truth about My Greatest Adventure

I, like most others, have had some pretty great adventures in life: trips to places like Disneyland and D.C., playing a lead in my high school production of Cinderella, and a once-in-a-lifetime Caribbean cruise with a bunch of friends. All of the aforementioned things I consider some of the greatest experiences of my life. But they were few and far between chronic health problems and anxiety that made even getting out of my house and into the world extremely difficult.
Comparison has always been a weakness of mine, and it has dulled only slightly with age. Sometimes I do pretty good being okay with what I have and have done in life and not comparing myself like crazy to others around me. But lately that little "thief of joy" has been trying to make itself my constant companion.
I don't know why things sometimes always hit at once, but recently I am seeing friends and family having adventures I envy in my little heart of hearts: having the ability and blessings to follow their dreams by doing things such as moving to Hawaii, becoming a pageant queen, creating a movement that becomes nationally followed and recognized, going on lavish trips, and some things as simple as having the independence to do whatever they way whenever they want. And it eats away at me! Sometimes I just long for the independence, time, resources, popularity, recognition, finances and health and energy to be able to do more than my little sphere allows.
I'm a home-body-plain-Jane that lacks a super-star talent or popularity, lives with constant pain and constant anxiety, and overall, hasn't done much that can be seen as noteworthy. I don't know if I'll ever reach anything on my wish list: perform on stage in a large-scale production, become a well-known blogger, write a book or frequent column, travel to some desired destinations, be a public speaker about things that matter to me. All those things are indeed important to me, and I will probably have a desire to do them my whole life.
But as I hug and get kisses from my little Gracie, or laugh at another one of my husband's frequent random jokes, I am reminded that this is my greatest adventure: my family. Though other events or periods of life will be thrilling and fulfilling, nothing will ever be greater as being a wife and a mother in my family. Though it comes with incredible change and sacrifice and takes every ounce of my near-empty energy, it is the best thing I have and will ever experience.
Holding my little girl every day tops holding a prestigious award. Having a fabulously fun singles social life pales in comparison to having found and being with my husband.  Singing and dancing to make Gracie burst into giggles fills me with more joy than performing for a crowd on a big stage. And having a career or social position that influences people for good will never have more purpose for me than that of raising and influencing the children that will enter my and Brian's home.
Are there days that I wish I were on a beach in the Bahama's or celebrating that one of these posts went viral? You betcha. There are days and weeks when I can all but fall apart because the responsibility and heartaches are completely overwhelming. But that responsibility and heartache comes because of the most wonderful thing in my life, my family, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.  So I take a deep breath, smile, and enjoy the truth that this is my greatest adventure.