My dearest Gracie,
Here it is; my first letter to my baby girl. Yay! Gracie, you have made quite an impact upon your father's and my world, in the absolute best way. Life looks different now that you are in it. The things that really matter are taking center stage as old cares fade in importance.
We are reveling in how big you are getting, judging by the size of my own belly, and enjoy feeling you rolling around swinging those little limbs of yours! And those movements are becoming more and more powerful by the week. Anticipation over your arrival in the next 2 months grows as much as you do.
This pregnancy with you has been kinda rough. The sickness, pain and inability to sleep were very hard to handle the first few months. The pain and discomforts make it harder to function, but I am taking them in stride. I am taking care of myself in order to take care of you! Know this about your Mama: she is one tough gal! She has many challenges, and she doesn't want to let those things stop her from living the life Heavenly Father wants for her, which includes carrying, bearing and raising a child. I would not change it for the world, because if I did, it would mean not having you. I would go through it all again in order to bring a little spirit into this world. But the thing is, we are not just getting any spirit; we are being given you. You.
I know most parents probably say this about every child they have, but I feel the truth in this to a surprising degree: you are a special little spirit Gracie. I do have a picture in my mind of what you might be like, a product of either my hopes or maybe some mother's intuition. But I don't truly know what you will look like or the personality you will have. But I feel most strongly that you have something that will make you extra-special, not just to your parents, but to others who will come across your path.
We weren't intentionally trying to have a baby until after you were already conceived and starting to develop. It's funny; I started feeling a deep desire and urging to have a baby, so many complex and beautiful emotions that you will hopefully one day also experience. The yearning wove itself like a tapestry into my heart and mind so that it was always with me. After a week or so, I spoke to your dad and we decided to start trying. Two weeks later, after feeling "off" and becoming quite ill, we took a pregnancy test. Though physically debilitated, I felt overwhelming joy at the possibility of having created a life with your father and having that life in our own.
I was so scared to look at the result-what if I wasn't pregnant? It had felt so right that I was. What if I was wrong? I almost couldn't handle that! Your dad asked me if I'd like him to look at it first. I agreed, as I was petrified to do so. I captured the picture of his face when I finally obtained the courage to look up at him. What I saw gave me the answer I needed without having to see the test: tears already welling up in his eyes and a small but triumphant smile that reached to his ears. Never have two little lines meant more in our lifetimes. We were indeed pregnant!
I broke into happy tears and a gigantic smile as I rushed into his arms, where we just held each other tightly. The emotions in that moment I still have not forgotten. That's when we knew that you were coming into our lives.
Since then we have gone through many more emotions a prospective parent faces: joy, excitement, hope, fear, sadness, discouragement, uncertainty, and in the case of the mother, just feeling plain emotional! The positive emotions bring great things. The negative ones not so much.
Most of all, I worry about your health, wanting you to come into this world without problems that will limit your development and well-being. But because of my own experiences and the special children I have come to know during my career, I see those challenges as beautiful, no matter how heartbreaking or brutal they can be. I do not want to be a mother who is clouded by bitter and angry feelings over what their child does or doesn't have, but one who looks for the sunshine through those clouds, and glories in the goodness of every moment.
I have begun asking the Lord that, though I want you to be whole, you be born as you are meant to be. I know without a doubt that any and all challenges you, and in turn, we, are presented with will be because your Father in Heaven knows they will help you grow into the daughter of God He wants you to be. Your sweet Dad and I will be here every step of the way, supporting, loving and, at times, carrying you, every step of the way.
We love you Gracie. Oh, do we love you. We become more excited each and every day for you to be born into our little family. Take care in there my little one. You have time left to grow before you will grace us with your presence.
Love,
Your Mama
Saturday, February 20, 2016
Sunday, December 13, 2015
A Different Kind of Grace
Today I am writing about Grace, but not the enabling power that comes through the Atonement that allows us to lay hold on eternal life. By the title of this blog and my frequent writings on the subject, it's easy to see that am very partial to the doctrine of grace. I LOVE IT!!! I believe in and know it's power to enable and ennoble because I've experienced it so intimately in my own life.
The Grace I speak of today, however, is the one that I currently have inside my belly. Yes! Brian and I found out on Wednesday that our baby is a little girl!
I have felt through this entire pregnancy that the life growing inside me was a girl. Call it the Spirit, call it mother's intuition, but it was right on! I was okay if it was going to be a boy as well. But thinking about the possibility that it could a boy made me sad, really, because I wanted so much to be able to name a child Grace. And there is no way we are naming a boy Grace!
I've had this inclination for about three years. It's because of it's meaning: divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. I've felt that this little one will be a great means of bringing grace into my family's lives, or have special circumstances in which they will really need that grace. So it wasn't so much a surprise, but a peaceful reassurance of my intuition when the ultrasound tech said, "It looks like it's a girl!"
Already this feeling of mine has been brought to pass. It's a miraculous process, the creation of life, but I've needed grace just to get through it. Pregnancy has not been easy, with lots of sickness, pain and fatigue that have worn me out in every way. I didn't think the changes from the growing, stretching and readjusting my body is doing could be so painful, but it actually makes perfect sense. I'm growing a human being inside of me; in a space that is normally quite small and not meant for such a thing in it's current size!
Along with the physical processes that have been occurring, my emotions are fluctuating due to hormonal changes, but also the changes that I know are coming. The reality that I'm about to become a mother continues to hit me more and more. Motherhood is monumental and completely life-changing. I know life is never going to be the same. I am going to be completely responsible for the care of one of God's children, and the stewardship that comes with that is beautiful but also incredibly overwhelming.
Is my baby going to be healthy and well? Is my baby going to be "hard" or "easy?" Am I going to be able to parent right? Am I going to be able to handle the pressure of having a life that depends completely on my own? Am I going to be able to stay home, or will I need to work? Will I like motherhood?
These questions and more continue running through my head at unsafe speeds that sometimes cause me to completely breakdown. But I got to the point where I told myself I had to stop these train-wrecks of thought waiting to happen and turn to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for the grace I knew I needed to make it through this pregnancy. And He has freely given me that grace. He has literally strengthened me to be able to function physically and emotionally. He has given me people and experiences that have improved my perspectives on motherhood, and I am looking forward to it more and more.
Most of all though, I am bonding with my little Grace. I can feel her moving; little rolls and "plop-plops", as I call them, when one of her limbs hits the side of the placenta. I talk to her frequently, and love to call her by name, as does her Daddy. Knowing that she is coming gives me the strength to continue forward with joy, instead of misery. That's perhaps what I needed most of all, as it has been hard to be cheerful when there have been these physical and emotional hurdles to face each day. All of it is worth it! I cannot wait to bring her into this world and see what amazing graces will be bestowed upon us because of her beloved presence in our lives :)
The Grace I speak of today, however, is the one that I currently have inside my belly. Yes! Brian and I found out on Wednesday that our baby is a little girl!
I have felt through this entire pregnancy that the life growing inside me was a girl. Call it the Spirit, call it mother's intuition, but it was right on! I was okay if it was going to be a boy as well. But thinking about the possibility that it could a boy made me sad, really, because I wanted so much to be able to name a child Grace. And there is no way we are naming a boy Grace!
I've had this inclination for about three years. It's because of it's meaning: divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. I've felt that this little one will be a great means of bringing grace into my family's lives, or have special circumstances in which they will really need that grace. So it wasn't so much a surprise, but a peaceful reassurance of my intuition when the ultrasound tech said, "It looks like it's a girl!"
Already this feeling of mine has been brought to pass. It's a miraculous process, the creation of life, but I've needed grace just to get through it. Pregnancy has not been easy, with lots of sickness, pain and fatigue that have worn me out in every way. I didn't think the changes from the growing, stretching and readjusting my body is doing could be so painful, but it actually makes perfect sense. I'm growing a human being inside of me; in a space that is normally quite small and not meant for such a thing in it's current size!
Is my baby going to be healthy and well? Is my baby going to be "hard" or "easy?" Am I going to be able to parent right? Am I going to be able to handle the pressure of having a life that depends completely on my own? Am I going to be able to stay home, or will I need to work? Will I like motherhood?
These questions and more continue running through my head at unsafe speeds that sometimes cause me to completely breakdown. But I got to the point where I told myself I had to stop these train-wrecks of thought waiting to happen and turn to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for the grace I knew I needed to make it through this pregnancy. And He has freely given me that grace. He has literally strengthened me to be able to function physically and emotionally. He has given me people and experiences that have improved my perspectives on motherhood, and I am looking forward to it more and more.
 |
| I love this little face! |
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| Gracie waving "Hello!" |
This Is What It's All About, People
Here are 2 of the most important lessons I have come to learn:
First: Preserving our individual families is of the utmost importance in this world, because in the end, it is preserving our families that is going to preserve our nation, our society, our world.
Second, but more importantly: It is only through uniting as man and woman in marriage and having a family that we literally start our own eternities. It is those relationships that anchor us, ground us, grow us, exalt us, give us true happiness.
Below are some messages that, for me, truly capture the spirit of and hit home those two truths...
"We go to church and to the temple to make covenants, we go home to keep them"
Elder D. Todd Christofferson
Friday, July 17, 2015
Filling or Fulfilling?
There is something we have all been given in this life, that each and every human being is endowed with by God, and that is potential. We all have the exact same potential, no matter where you were born, how rich or poor you are, or what physical or mental limitations you have. Our potential is tremendous, and, in all reality, limitless. It is eternal. There is so-emphasis on SO!-much waiting inside and outside of us to be unlocked, if only we seek for it and do things which will help us obtain it. And we unlock that potential as we seek and grow in the Spirit.
On the other hand, fulfillment is something we seek, and is directly connected to reaching our potential. The two are unequivocally intertwined and one will affect the other.
Humans from the beginning of time have sought things to fulfill themselves, but in their desire to do so, have sought after things that fill themselves. They are the same thing, you say? Oh no, is my response!
Here's the difference: fulfillment is the satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one's abilities or character. Filling is an act or instance of filling or something that is put in to fill something else. For example, trying one more extreme sport to top the thrill of the last one; playing games on devices to entertain and to prevent boredom; tracking contests on social media to try to win prize after prize after prize, and spending money on the latest, greatest and "best" temporary things; addiction to substances, gaming, or pornography to name a few.
What are we choosing to become by what we are choosing to fill our lives with? Consider these:
The tanks are:
Relationship and time with God (Service to our fellow man fits well in this one)
Relationship with Spouse or Family
Relationship with Work
Relationship with Self (hobbies, personal development, etc.)
Relationship with Friends
If these are not equally or adequately filled, we will look elsewhere to fill ourselves, and will do so with things-sometimes very bad-of no or on the other hand, serious consequence, such as those mentioned above. And the God tank is at the top of the list for a reason, it is the most important!
I'm not going to jump on the Woulda-Shoulda-Coulda-Train, so don't think I'm trying to guilt-trip you! Guilt trips don't do any of us good and don't bring about lasting change. There isn't harm in engaging in some of the previously mentioned "filling" behaviors, aside from the addictions, if they are kept withing a certain means. Heck, I love movies and enjoy some thrilling experiences. But when they become more important than our relationship with God and the Spirit, they become a BIG problem.
We are stunting our own growth and potential when we do. We are holding ourselves back because in many ways, we are replacing the Spirit with those things. What can truly benefit us more, Netflix and how many "Likes" we get on our Facebook Post, or the Spirit?
We need more of the Spirit in our lives. At least, I know I do. I consider my relationships and time with God, with my family and friends, and service to be the highest priorities, because those will help fulfill me, and also, others! But I, too, need to fill less and fulfill more.
We need to put down our phones and tablets and be present to the people and world around us; be grateful for all we have instead of buying a new toy or product we don't really need; open our scriptures and read the words of the prophets to help us with whatever life brings; get on our knees and talk to our Father in Heaven to deepen our bond and and seek help for our challenges, and serve others.
Notice that President Benson said seeking the Spirit is our challenge, and truly, it is, especially in this day and age. There are so many distractions and fillers to take us away from it. But the promise is sure: in seeking we will experience growth, great joy, answers to life's problems and lifting of our burdens that we perhaps can't even imagine. With promises like that, what are we waiting for? Go for it, and see what glorious things lie for you behind those doors of the Spirit :)
On the other hand, fulfillment is something we seek, and is directly connected to reaching our potential. The two are unequivocally intertwined and one will affect the other.
Humans from the beginning of time have sought things to fulfill themselves, but in their desire to do so, have sought after things that fill themselves. They are the same thing, you say? Oh no, is my response!
Here's the difference: fulfillment is the satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one's abilities or character. Filling is an act or instance of filling or something that is put in to fill something else. For example, trying one more extreme sport to top the thrill of the last one; playing games on devices to entertain and to prevent boredom; tracking contests on social media to try to win prize after prize after prize, and spending money on the latest, greatest and "best" temporary things; addiction to substances, gaming, or pornography to name a few.
What are we choosing to become by what we are choosing to fill our lives with? Consider these:
Let me demonstrate an analogy. Before my husband and I were married, his uncle and aunt, Steven and Debi took us out to dinner and shared some words of wisdom, including "The Five Tanks" analogy, or tanks that we need to be filling in life. While they spoke about them as pertaining to our relationship, they are applicable to every individuals fulfillment.
The tanks are:
Relationship and time with God (Service to our fellow man fits well in this one)
Relationship with Spouse or Family
Relationship with Work
Relationship with Self (hobbies, personal development, etc.)
Relationship with Friends
If these are not equally or adequately filled, we will look elsewhere to fill ourselves, and will do so with things-sometimes very bad-of no or on the other hand, serious consequence, such as those mentioned above. And the God tank is at the top of the list for a reason, it is the most important!
I'm not going to jump on the Woulda-Shoulda-Coulda-Train, so don't think I'm trying to guilt-trip you! Guilt trips don't do any of us good and don't bring about lasting change. There isn't harm in engaging in some of the previously mentioned "filling" behaviors, aside from the addictions, if they are kept withing a certain means. Heck, I love movies and enjoy some thrilling experiences. But when they become more important than our relationship with God and the Spirit, they become a BIG problem.
We are stunting our own growth and potential when we do. We are holding ourselves back because in many ways, we are replacing the Spirit with those things. What can truly benefit us more, Netflix and how many "Likes" we get on our Facebook Post, or the Spirit?
We need more of the Spirit in our lives. At least, I know I do. I consider my relationships and time with God, with my family and friends, and service to be the highest priorities, because those will help fulfill me, and also, others! But I, too, need to fill less and fulfill more.
We need to put down our phones and tablets and be present to the people and world around us; be grateful for all we have instead of buying a new toy or product we don't really need; open our scriptures and read the words of the prophets to help us with whatever life brings; get on our knees and talk to our Father in Heaven to deepen our bond and and seek help for our challenges, and serve others.
Notice that President Benson said seeking the Spirit is our challenge, and truly, it is, especially in this day and age. There are so many distractions and fillers to take us away from it. But the promise is sure: in seeking we will experience growth, great joy, answers to life's problems and lifting of our burdens that we perhaps can't even imagine. With promises like that, what are we waiting for? Go for it, and see what glorious things lie for you behind those doors of the Spirit :)
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
The Words He Would Say
I've been in a glummer mood the past week due to the current circumstances of my health. Right now I'm experiencing a pattern of illness that I have only had once, several years ago, and that for me was quite severe. I have been very worried as to what is causing me to be so ill. Those "episodes" of many years ago traumatized me, so anytime I experience certain symptoms, I have some serious PTSD, very scared that it's going to happen all over again. I have had a hard time dealing with it and trusting my Heavenly Father that answers will and He'll help me through it, whatever that may entail. My faith hasn't quite been winning over fear. So I've been praying for trust, patience, and peace to get through it.
Today I had to drive to an IHC lab to get some tests done for this problem. I debated turning on the radio, as my head was pounding and I didn't want to interrupt the stillness I had been trying to maintain through the first half of the day. But sometimes good music helps my mood, so I punched the button and turned on K-Love. It was in the words of the song that was currently playing that the Lord sent a message to me:
Only a few times as I've listened to the radio to a song that I have heard several times have familiar words jumped out to me, like a direct message from the Lord. It's like when you read a scripture you've read a hundred times and the hundred and first time it pierces you in a completely new way. It's the difference between seeing words typed on a page and seeing something like this:
Each line that above brought with it more peace to my tired and weary heart, more balm to my soul. It was what I needed to help me finish today with peace, and what I needed to get up and greet tomorrow, whether it comes with a calm body or a sick one.
I'm grateful the Lord speaks and goes about His works in many ways, including music. It sure helped me today.
Here's the link to the music video of the song :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI
Words I would Say
Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths
Chorus
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know 'cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths
Chorus
Say from one simple life to another
I will say come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say
Today I had to drive to an IHC lab to get some tests done for this problem. I debated turning on the radio, as my head was pounding and I didn't want to interrupt the stillness I had been trying to maintain through the first half of the day. But sometimes good music helps my mood, so I punched the button and turned on K-Love. It was in the words of the song that was currently playing that the Lord sent a message to me:
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
God's got his hands on you
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget but
Don't forget why you're here
Take your time and Pray
These are the words I would say
(Words I would Say, Sidewalk Prophets)
Only a few times as I've listened to the radio to a song that I have heard several times have familiar words jumped out to me, like a direct message from the Lord. It's like when you read a scripture you've read a hundred times and the hundred and first time it pierces you in a completely new way. It's the difference between seeing words typed on a page and seeing something like this:
I'm grateful the Lord speaks and goes about His works in many ways, including music. It sure helped me today.
Here's the link to the music video of the song :)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8t9u-LOa3OI
Words I would Say
Three in the morning, and I'm still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I'd say
If we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths
Chorus
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things
I already know God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say
Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
Love will find you where you are
I know 'cause I've already been there
So please hear these simple truths
Chorus
Say from one simple life to another
I will say come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You're gonna do great things I already know
God's got His hand on You
So don't live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Power in the Spirit
As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we know that we have the Spirit of the Lord with us as we live righteously. But do we fully realize that a literal portion of His Spirit dwells inside of us? And what about the true power that comes from that Spirit?
This was brought to the forefront of my mind from a scripture that hit me in a new way. I was reading the account of Ammon and King Lamoni's conversation in Alma 18, as Lamoni questions Ammon about the power he had to know his thoughts and slay so many robbers single-handedly.
King Lamoni asks him if he is the Great Spirit, and Ammon responds that he is not, but that he was called of God and had "a portion of that Spirit." Now in the past I thought this referred specifically to the Priesthood, but when I read it recently, felt it was to mean the Spirit we all have access to.
"And a portion of that Spirit dwelleth in me, which giveth me knowledge, and also power according to my faith and the desires which are in God." (Alma 18:35)
A piece of Him is inside of us, His Spirit, His light. It is a gift from Him, power unto us to do great and marvelous things if we have and exercise faith. Using that Spirit, and being instruments in the hands of the Lord, Ammon and his brethren brought thousands of people to the knowledge of the truth and true conversion.
If only each of us would realize the privilege of this gift and use it to it's full capacity, our full capacity. Through many experiences the past year or so the Lord has shown me that I have more power to do good through that Spirit than I ever realized. He has shown me that He trusts me to follow that Spirit by giving me more and more of it. As He does, I have been more of an instrument in His hands. Small and simple things have become great and marvelous. I hope to do more good with this amazing piece of God that dwells inside me.
If only each of us would realize the privilege of this gift and use it to it's full capacity, our full capacity. Through many experiences the past year or so the Lord has shown me that I have more power to do good through that Spirit than I ever realized. He has shown me that He trusts me to follow that Spirit by giving me more and more of it. As He does, I have been more of an instrument in His hands. Small and simple things have become great and marvelous. I hope to do more good with this amazing piece of God that dwells inside me.
Thursday, April 10, 2014
A Return to Grace
Tonight I return to my favorite topic, the doctrine of Grace. I love the grace of our Savior Jesus Christ, it is my "Motto word" for life. It is defined in the Bible Dictionary as "divine means of help of strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ." It is through the Atonement and our own repentance that we receive strength and assistance to do good works that we otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to our own means. In the New Testament it is understood as "An attitude of goodwill that predisposes God to act positively towards" us. It is nothing that we can trigger, manipulate, or control. We don't earn grace, we need it.
Today two things brought grace to the forefront of my mind. The first was something my Stake President said while teaching our Institute class about the Savior's time leading up to and in Gethsemane. The Atonement. That is what happened in Gethsemane all those years ago, our Redeemer covering all of our sorrows and our sins. President Featherstone closed the lesson with these words, "Nothing falls outside the realm of the Atonement. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes we don't believe that. But it is true."
There are a few particular people I know that do not believe that. Some of their actions have been horrendous and they feel there is no way the Atonement could ever cover that. They have sinned too much, they are too far gone to make it back, they say. There is no way that God could love them after what they have done. Which brings me to the second thing, watching the latest Mormon Message, titled The Savior Wants to Forgive, about a man who felt that exact way.
In the video "a former addict and repeat convict shares his experiences with the Savior’s ability and willingness to forgive him again and again, even when he felt undeserving." I watched this not once, but three times because the message was so powerful. Click here to watch it, then read on:
Today two things brought grace to the forefront of my mind. The first was something my Stake President said while teaching our Institute class about the Savior's time leading up to and in Gethsemane. The Atonement. That is what happened in Gethsemane all those years ago, our Redeemer covering all of our sorrows and our sins. President Featherstone closed the lesson with these words, "Nothing falls outside the realm of the Atonement. Absolutely nothing. Sometimes we don't believe that. But it is true."
There are a few particular people I know that do not believe that. Some of their actions have been horrendous and they feel there is no way the Atonement could ever cover that. They have sinned too much, they are too far gone to make it back, they say. There is no way that God could love them after what they have done. Which brings me to the second thing, watching the latest Mormon Message, titled The Savior Wants to Forgive, about a man who felt that exact way.
In the video "a former addict and repeat convict shares his experiences with the Savior’s ability and willingness to forgive him again and again, even when he felt undeserving." I watched this not once, but three times because the message was so powerful. Click here to watch it, then read on:
I watched this before going to Institute, and it was actually a perfect precursor to the lesson, as grace had been on my mind. The man in this video thought more than once that there was no way God cared about him; that there was no way he could repent enough for what he had done. He was ready to end it all, hiding in the bushes on that night all those years ago. But Heavenly Father spoke to him, "I'm still here". He was reaching out to, asking this man to come to Him and accept the grace he created when He atoned for us. He was there for him, and He is there for us. There is not one soul whom He cannot touch, who He cannot save. But we must accept that grace. We must allow Him to save us. If we do not, we depreciate Him and the suffering He went through in that garden over two-thousand years ago.
I know this is true! I have experienced it in my own life, giving in to the only One who has the power to redeem me. And I will continue to return to grace each and every day of my life. Because of it, I know I will be able to return to live with the One who created me. Won't you too return to grace?
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