On becoming a mother: In the Eyes of Grace

It's amazing how much you can be the center of someone's world. That is what you are as a new mother. Daddies are right up there next to Mommies-don't get me wrong, this is no slam to fathers!-but if moms are both the main caregivers and breastfeeding, they are usually #1 for the first several months of life. I sense this most especially when Gracie looks at me. And I don't mean just simply looking, but gazing in wonder at me. It is the one of the most gentle yet intense looks.

The "Wonder Look"

This happens at least a few times a day when I'm feeding her, and then some. I try to help her latch on, and she just won't have it. Instead she pushes against my hands and looks up at me with big, probing eyes, not quite smiling for several seconds. Then she bursts into a smile that only a baby can give. Other times she pulls off from feeding and looks up at me intently and starts to coo and "oo" and "ah".  If my attention goes elsewhere, she coos and babbles even louder, flailing her tiny limbs, probably trying to tell me, "Look at me Mama! Look at me! You are my world and I want to be yours!"
The only thing she wants to do, in the whole world, is to have my total attention; to hang on my every move and sound. Nothing satisfies her except me being present in the moment with her, and her with me. She just can't enough of me! (And I can't get enough of her!)  Like Martina McBride's song says, "I see the light in my daughter's eyes". I truly do. In those twinkly blues, I see amazement and awe staring back at me. There is such a deep love, trust and joy I've never had so freely flowing towards me from anyone. I am soaking in every second of this.
This is truly one of the best feelings I have ever felt in my life: being the center and love of Gracie's life. It's different from being the love of my husband's life. I love him more than words can express, but I can't honestly say that I am at the point where I love him absolutely unconditionally, like our Heavenly Father loves us-and I doubt he can say that about me either! We have our flaws and faults, say things that hurt and do things that annoy each other.  We are human and don't always trust in each other 100%.
Newborns, however, come to this earth as blank slates. implicitly. They don't know our flaws or hold grudges. Both mothers and fathers are the faces they see almost every minute of every day, the hands that provide what is needed to survive, the arms that hold them, and the familiar voices that speak so tenderly to calm them.   

We are all they know, and are the ones that they have to rely on for everything they need in life. Unlike adults, infants will put their trust and reliance in us
When Gracie goes into "Look-deep-into-Mommy-mode", I put away every other distraction and give her 100% of my attention. I know she won't remember a lick of this, but she will develop her relationship based upon what I give to her right now. I want my 3-month-old daughter to know that she is worthy of my rapt attention, and all the hugs, kisses and snuggles that I can give her. I sure am worthy of hers.
There will come a day when I am no longer my daughter's favorite person, and where I may be the last person she wants to see or talk to. I know every parent and child will go through those times-especially with toddlers and teens-but I hope that, like my mother is for me, I will be one of the most important and loved people in Gracie's life. I hope and will do all I can to build a relationship that is strong and unshakable.
So I am going to take advantage of every opportunity to stare into those baby blue eyes, babble back-and-forth, kiss those rosy cheeks, match that smile and let my actions show my little girl that she is also at the center of her Mama's world, and that I love her oh so much.

Me and My Girl

Press Forward

My mother and I are kindred spirits in many ways, from our love of baking, music and classic movies, our gift of writing, and even our chronic pain. I am very blessed to have a mother I call my best friend. A few days ago, we were talking about challenges we've been facing, some new and some that have been giving us grief for many months or years. In the course of our conversation, my mom recounted an experience a Bishop in her stake shared about trials and pressing forward, and the thoughts it provoked in her own mind. We both teared up as we spoke, the Spirit seeping through the receivers of our phones straight to our hearts. 

I asked my mom if I could share her thoughts, and she readily agreed. They breathed new life into the words "Press forward", and I now consider them one of the mantra's for my life. 

"This morning in the Belvedere Ward, I listened to a recap of our stake youth's pioneer trek given by Bishop Carson, who served as the Trek Master.  He described the first day of trek as being not too hard.  The weather was mild, and they were walking in the shade for a good portion of the day.  However, the second day turned out to be wickedly hot and windy. A youth began to suffer from the heat and a medic was called out. When he was stable they proceeded on their way.  They finally stopped to rest just an hour or two from their destination. At this point, the leaders were becoming concerned.  Everyone was exhausted and they were running low on water. Bishop Carson reached out by text to the missionaries who oversee the program and asked if they could modify their destination location or send out some supplies. The word came back, “You can rest a short while and then press on, or you can stay a long while and then press on.”  They rested a short while and then pressed on. 

I have thought about this continually over the past few days and wanted to record some of those thoughts.  I know that we all have times in our lives when we experience the sheer exhaustion that results from our continued efforts to “press on”.  Pressing forward is a difficult task that according to Elder Neil L. Anderson, “requires more than simply going forward. [To] press implies something is preventing [our] advancement, and [we] must push through it.  To go forward in this life [we] must press temptations aside, press through obstacles, press the doubt and fear under [our] feet, and embrace the divine qualities of faith, hope, and love”. 

Many times in my trek through this life, I have found myself in a state of collapse, with dimming strength and hope.  I too have reached out in desperation for relief and rescuing.   I’ve rarely been rescued in the ways I had hoped and prayed for, but I testify that the Lord stands ready to assist me when I’m ready to get up and move again.    I really connected with a thought shared by a sister who has struggled with mental illness for many years.  She has come to see the parable of the lost sheep in a new light.  In the past, she considered the lost sheep as the “black sheep” who had gone astray or wandered from the path.  However, she wonders now if that little lamb had become so bone tired and weary along the way that he simply laid down to rest because he was too tired to press on.  She could understand that because she has felt that kind of physical, mental, and emotional pain and weariness.  But now as she faces those moments of utter exhaustion, she can hear in her mind the Savior’s voice calling out, “Get up little lamb. Get up.”  I have heard that voice at various times in my life and can testify that in our darkest hours, he is reaching down with his hand and multiple tender mercies to lift us up even as he bids us to arise and press forward.   

I remember struggling through one of those rough days and thinking as I went to bed that night that I would just like to rest a long, long while.  I really did not want to face the next day.  However, immediately upon opening my eyes the following morning, before the cares of the previous day could descend upon my soul, I heard the Lord’s voice calling out to me in the words of one of our best loved pioneer hymns saying, “Gird up your loins, fresh courage take. Our god will never us forsake.”  In that moment, I felt the Lord’s hand reaching out to lift me up and I was able to get out of bed and face the day with fresh hope and courage.   

Yes, life is all about pressing forward through good times and bad, but Elder Anderson reminds us that when we press forward “with steadfastness in Christ [which] means having faith in Him and...making Him the central focus of [our] thoughts and actions, [then] pressing forward is the ultimate adventure,” and ultimately we can “find peace in difficulties [and] ...know with even greater certainty of His reality and His love for us.”

May pressing forward with steadfast faith in Christ fill you with strength and hope to engage in your amazing ultimate adventure.

The Right Security Net

I am a very financially frugal, "cheap" person. My mother could tell you that I never-and I mean never-spent money frivolously, even as a child. My husband could tell you, as he has learned over the past year, that I am an extremely strict budgeter and put off buying even many necessities of life for myself because I'd prefer to save any and all money we can. Being financially stable and having good insurance has almost always been one of my main sources of feeling safe and secure in life. I have come to refer to it as "My Security Net".

I feel safe knowing that our good financial standings are our umbrella for a rainy day. If something were to happen to one of us, such as losing a job or becoming greatly injured or ill, we will already be in the position to provide for ourselves and won't be thrust into tight or dire financial straights or have to live paycheck-to-paycheck. It saves us from having to go through added stressors that come from financial strain.

The Lord blessed me with parents who taught how to be frugal yet functional and let me live with them rent free; scholarships that helped fund 3 out of my 4 years of college; ample employment and great company benefits and health insurance that have saved me large amounts of money over the years. Although I have had thousands of dollars in medical bills each year since graduating college, I have been able to maintain very good financial status. My problems could have been so much worse. But, my security net has recently gotten some holes in it.

Why? One word: Baby!
I have been feeling a great deal of anxiety about our changing financial situation with the birth of little Gracie. I will no longer be working full-time. We have to change health insurance providers, which, with my current amazing team of doctors that I rely heavily on, is kinda-okay, really- traumatic for me to no longer have at my disposal. Putting your health care in a new person's hands is nerve-wracking! Brian still has one more pre-req class to take to be able to apply to PA school, and that and applying are not cheap! Overall, we will be living on less, expending more to support a child and investing into the PA school venture-not knowing if will become a reality. It's un-nerving!
A couple of months ago, Brian and I were looking through the information for our new insurance through his company and, well, be glad you weren't in our little condo; I near blew a gasket! Among higher co-pays and less coverage than we are used to having access to, the deductible for the lower plan will be $4000 for our little family of 3! That is INSANE!! From my vantage point of needing so much health care, and a new baby needing lots of doctor visits, I could see our bank account dwindling ever more having to pay for so much out of pocket.
There goes my security net! I thought over and over. Experiencing many symptoms that would put a panic attack to shame and struggling to hold in fearful tears, I went into our bedroom and started a conversation with my Heavenly Father. I told him of the anxieties I had been having and that this new knowledge just put me over the top.
"Father, there are so many changes that are going to come, and you know how hard they are for me to adapt to. I will be jumping into such unknown territory and it scares the heck out of me!  My security net is ripping! I need my net!"
I had barely spoken this when these words came to my mind: "Who should your real security net be?"
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have relied so much on finances and other temporal things for my security when I should have been relying on my Heavenly Father. He is the one who holds all things, from how much money is is our bank account, to how well our cars run, to our hopes and dreams-everything!-in His hands. He is the one who will always be there to hold us.

Security, David Bowman

It's surprising how much a single question can chasten you, and this one sure did.
This was quite the "Aha!" moment for me, and I have tried in the weeks since to think first of my Father in Heaven when times of anxiety have come, helping me choose to trust in Him. And the change I have seen in myself is quite significant.  It's now been 9 weeks after our little baby finally came into this world. I just paid the first of the medical bills, and though I wish the money were still in our bank account, it was easier for me to click the button to send the payment than it would have been without my change of perspective. I wasn't gripped with the dread and fear that normally accompany such things.
Life isn't and never will be easy. There things that will threaten us and our sense of security and well-being. Our little family will go through ups and times of testing and struggle. But I will not put my trust in the arm of the flesh for the sense of security that I really need. I will turn to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are the right source of help and peace. I know in whom I have trusted.

God's Guarantee

Brian and I were reading in Ether 2 last night (we are almost to the end of the Book of Mormon, wahoo!) and a couple of verses jumped out and spoke to me in a way they hadn't before. In this part of the Book of Mormon, the Brother of Jared has just received instruction from the Lord on how to build the ships he and his family need to cross the seas, in a manner "tight like unto a dish" in order to protect them. The Brother of Jared realizes that they don't have a means of light inside the ships and inquires of the Lord what to do about it. It is Heavenly Father's response to him that jumped out to me:

"For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

"And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which will come. Therefore what will yet that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?"

BAM! I love it when you notice things in the scriptures that are stated so simply and teach such monumental lessons! What is the Lord saying here? He is speaking not just to the Brother of Jared, but to you and to me! This is what I hear Him saying: 

Your journey in life is not going to be easy. You will be on a ride that you can't get off of and at times it is going to seem like you are swallowed up in problems and challenges and you may fear you will sink. Some of those things will come because it's life and they just will. Others I will give directly to you, but only because I want to lead you to a better place. BUT! I will prepare you for the things that will come, and if you follow my direction and make your own vessel tight and build it up strong and true, you will be protected through it all, and I will deliver you. You will not sink.  I will bring you out on top again, and you will come to a better place because of it. 

This is particularly insightful for me because of a blessing my father gave me a year-and-a-half ago when I was going through a particularly hard time. I wrote, or rather, typed some of the blessing into my phone, because I didn't want to forget it. It is so wonderful to have those words right there on my phone to remind me of what Heavenly Father knows that sometimes I do not:
"As in the scriptures, your vessel is tight, even like unto a dish. You have many challenge, and you are strong and can withstand the things which you have been given. Heavenly Father has not abandoned you. You can know with certainty that you are able to handle these things."
Think back to those the words in Ether. Isn't it amazing that Heavenly Father gives us that guarantee in a life where there are so few true guarantees? He does not guarantee us freedom from pain, heartbreak, struggle and sadness. He does not guarantee that we will be successful in everything we do or win every battle in the way we want to. He does not guarantee a super-de-duper life where we will have no cares. What He does offer us is His promise, His covenant that if we will follow Him and make our vessels strong, He will be with us through it, protect and keep us, and help us conquer the stormy seas of life. That is the best thing He can give us. That is what we must remember and hold onto when the rains, snows and terrible tempests rage in our lives. He is there. He always was, and He always will be. He knows all, He sees all, and He hears all our prayers. He will bring us to our own promised land, whatever that may be, for He is the one that holds us in His loving and graceful hands.

A Letter to My Baby Girl

My dearest Gracie,
Here it is; my first letter to my baby girl. Yay! Gracie, you have made quite an impact upon your father's and my world, in the absolute best way. Life looks different now that you are in it. The things that really matter are taking center stage as old cares fade in importance.
We are reveling in how big you are getting, judging by the size of my own belly, and enjoy feeling you rolling around swinging those little limbs of yours! And those movements are becoming more and more powerful by the week. Anticipation over your arrival in the next 2 months grows as much as you do.
This pregnancy with you has been kinda rough. The sickness, pain and inability to sleep were very hard to handle the first few months. The pain and discomforts make it harder to function, but I am taking them in stride. I am taking care of myself in order to take care of you! Know this about your Mama: she is one tough gal! She has many challenges, and she doesn't want to let those things stop her from living the life Heavenly Father wants for her, which includes carrying, bearing and raising a child. I would not change it for the world, because if I did, it would mean not having you. I would go through it all again in order to bring a little spirit into this world. But the thing is, we are not just getting any spirit; we are being given you. You.
I know most parents probably say this about every child they have, but I feel the truth in this to a surprising degree: you are a special little spirit Gracie. I do have a picture in my mind of what you might be like, a product of either my hopes or maybe some mother's intuition. But I don't truly know what you will look like or the personality you will have. But I feel most strongly that you have something that will make you extra-special, not just to your parents, but to others who will come across your path.
We weren't intentionally trying to have a baby until after you were already conceived and starting to develop.  It's funny; I started feeling a deep desire and urging to have a baby, so many complex and beautiful emotions that you will hopefully one day also experience. The yearning wove itself like a tapestry into my heart and mind so that it was always with me. After a week or so, I spoke to your dad and we decided to start trying. Two weeks later, after feeling "off" and becoming quite ill, we took a pregnancy test. Though physically debilitated, I felt overwhelming joy at the possibility of having created a life with your father and having that life in our own.
I was so scared to look at the result-what if I wasn't pregnant? It had felt so right that I was. What if I was wrong? I almost couldn't handle that! Your dad asked me if I'd like him to look at it first. I agreed, as I was petrified to do so. I captured the picture of his face when I finally obtained the courage to look up at him. What I saw gave me the answer I needed without having to see the test: tears already welling up in his eyes and a small but triumphant smile that reached to his ears. Never have two little lines meant more in our lifetimes. We were indeed pregnant!
I broke into happy tears and a gigantic smile as I rushed into his arms, where we just held each other tightly. The emotions in that moment I still have not forgotten. That's when we knew that you were coming into our lives.
Since then we have gone through many more emotions a prospective parent faces: joy, excitement, hope, fear, sadness, discouragement, uncertainty, and in the case of the mother, just feeling plain emotional! The positive emotions bring great things. The negative ones not so much.
Most of all, I worry about your health, wanting you to come into this world without problems that will limit your development and well-being. But because of my own experiences and the special children I have come to know during my career, I see those challenges as beautiful, no matter how heartbreaking or brutal they can be. I do not want to be a mother who is clouded by bitter and angry feelings over what their child does or doesn't have, but one who looks for the sunshine through those clouds, and glories in the goodness of every moment.
I have begun asking the Lord that, though I want you to be whole, you be born as you are meant to be. I know without a doubt that any and all challenges you, and in turn, we, are presented with will be because your Father in Heaven knows they will help you grow into the daughter of God He wants you to be. Your sweet Dad and I will be here every step of the way, supporting, loving and, at times, carrying you, every step of the way.
We love you Gracie. Oh, do we love you. We become more excited each and every day for you to be born into our little family. Take care in there my little one. You have time left to grow before you will grace us with your presence.
Love,
Your Mama

A Different Kind of Grace

Today I am writing about Grace, but not the enabling power that comes through the Atonement that allows us to lay hold on eternal life. By the title of this blog and my frequent writings on the subject, it's easy to see that am very partial to the doctrine of grace. I LOVE IT!!! I believe in and know it's power to enable and ennoble because I've experienced it so intimately in my own life.
The Grace I speak of today, however, is the one that I currently have inside my belly. Yes! Brian and I found out on Wednesday that our baby is a little girl!

I have felt through this entire pregnancy that the life growing inside me was a girl. Call it the Spirit, call it mother's intuition, but it was right on! I was okay if it was going to be a boy as well. But thinking about the possibility that it could a boy made me sad, really, because I wanted so much to be able to name a child Grace. And there is no way we are naming a boy Grace!
I've had this inclination for about three years. It's because of it's meaning: divine means of help or strength, given through the bounteous mercy and love of Jesus Christ. I've felt that this little one will be a great means of bringing grace into my family's lives, or have special circumstances in which they will really need that grace. So it wasn't so much a surprise, but a peaceful reassurance of my intuition when the ultrasound tech said, "It looks like it's a girl!"
Already this feeling of mine has been brought to pass. It's a miraculous process, the creation of life, but I've needed grace just to get through it. Pregnancy has not been easy, with lots of sickness, pain and fatigue that have worn me out in every way. I didn't think the changes from the growing, stretching and readjusting my body is doing could be so painful, but it actually makes perfect sense. I'm growing a human being inside of me; in a space that is normally quite small and not meant for such a thing in it's current size!

 Along with the physical processes that have been occurring, my emotions are fluctuating due to hormonal changes, but also the changes that I know are coming. The reality that I'm about to become a mother continues to hit me more and more. Motherhood is monumental and completely life-changing. I know life is never going to be the same. I am going to be completely responsible for the care of one of God's children, and the stewardship that comes with that is beautiful but also incredibly overwhelming.
Is my baby going to be healthy and well? Is my baby going to be "hard" or "easy?" Am I going to be able to parent right? Am I going to be able to handle the pressure of having a life that depends completely on my own? Am I going to be able to stay home, or will I need to work? Will I like motherhood?
These questions and more continue running through my head at unsafe speeds that sometimes cause me to completely breakdown. But I got to the point where I told myself I had to stop these train-wrecks of thought waiting to happen and turn to my Heavenly Father. I asked him for the grace I knew I needed to make it through this pregnancy. And He has freely given me that grace. He has literally strengthened me to be able to function physically and emotionally. He has given me people and experiences that have improved my perspectives on motherhood, and I am looking forward to it more and more.

I love this little face!

Gracie waving "Hello!"

Most of all though, I am bonding with my little Grace. I can feel her moving; little rolls and "plop-plops", as I call them, when one of her limbs hits the side of the placenta. I talk to her frequently, and love to call her by name, as does her Daddy. Knowing that she is coming gives me the strength to continue forward with joy, instead of misery. That's perhaps what I needed most of all, as it has been hard to be cheerful when there have been these physical and emotional hurdles to face each day. All of it is worth it! I cannot wait to bring her into this world and see what amazing graces will be bestowed upon us because of her beloved presence in our lives :)

This Is What It's All About, People

Here are 2 of the most important lessons I have come to learn:

First: Preserving our individual families is of the utmost importance in this world, because in the end, it is preserving our families that is going to preserve our nation, our society, our world.

Second, but more importantly: It is only through uniting as man and woman in marriage and having a family that we literally start our own eternities. It is those relationships that anchor us, ground us, grow us, exalt us, give us true happiness. 

Below are some messages that, for me, truly capture the spirit of and hit home those two truths...

"We go to church and to the temple to make covenants, we go home to keep them"

Elder D. Todd Christofferson