Knowing that My Children Walk in Righteousness: The Greatest Joy

Originally written October 4, 2016
Normally I am uber-anxious to pick up my daughter at the end of the two days I work each week. I am so excited to be reunited with my little girl! But my pain and exhaustion are usually a lot greater on those days, and I kinda don't want to have to go home and have to be a Mommy. It's hard to take care of a little one when pain, nausea and fatigue are through the roof and I feel I can barely move my extremities.
But one day last week, though that was the case, all I wanted to do was hold, feed, care for and play with my little girl. I drove to my parent's house after work literally bouncing up and down in my seat because I was so giddy to be reunited with Gracie again. I ran to the front door and into the house. Normally, my mom continues holding Gracie for a few minutes after I get there so we don't disturb her, but that day, I took her right away. I wanted to snuggle that little bundle of joy! As I picked her up and gazed into her sweet snoozing face, I was overwhelmed at the sudden, strong yearning I felt for her to know of the truths of the Gospel I know and to live a good, righteous life.
It was one of those "swelling moments", where something just hits you so hard and so good, and you know it's from the Spirit.  I knew at that moment what it means to say that my greatest joy is to know that my children walk in righteousness. That is what matters most in my life: to have my children walk in righteousness and become true disciples of Jesus Christ.
There are so many purposes I have in life, but I had the strong impression in this moment that all of them have prepared me for and culminated in the purpose of my being a mother. I can see clearly the under-side of the weaving of tapestry of my life so far in shaping me for this. I'm not saying that being a mother is the only thing that matters or the only role to which I will give my attention or effort. All the other things that are important to me; all the things I do and say, all the people that mean so much to me, they all matter. I don't think any less of them. All those things and people make me who I am, and therefore are making me the mother I will and want to be. My children will learn from my example, from the other purposes and missions I have. How I engage in those purposes, they will see.
Never before have I felt such a mantle, such a stewardship. But it is one I willingly carry, just as the Savior carried His own and walked the greatest path of righteousness that has and ever will be.  He is walking right beside me, sometimes carrying me and this mantle, to help me be the best mother I can be.
I have great opportunity to influence the lives of the spirits that will come into my home, every moment of every single day.  More than anything else, I want to live my life so my children will know that I walk in righteousness. It is my hope and prayer that they will desire to follow, walking along beside me and their father, and then, as they grow, walking on their own righteous path next to our Savior Jesus Christ.

A Letter to Jenni (and every other girl called a 'Molly Mormon')

Dear Jenni (name has been changed),
        I went to the dentist today and your mother was my hygienist. She's always been my favorite and we enjoyed catching up on each other's lives. We talked about my five-month old daughter, being a mother and how much it means for us to raise our children to walk in righteousness and truth. She told me a lot about you and some of the events that have come along your walk on that path.
Throughout the course of our conversation, I came to admire you a great deal. Here is why:
Your mom told me, "Now Jenni, she isn't quite what you'd call shy, or timid, but she's a little backward."
"Oh?" I inquired, curious as to what that meant.
"Well, here's an example," mom said. "She went to a party a weekend ago and one of the stars of the football team was there and tried to get her do kiss him. She knows him from a class they had together last year, but they aren't 'friends'. He said, 'Hey Jenni, I have ten pieces of popcorn here. For everyone I catch in my mouth, you have to kiss me.' "
Needless to say, You were surprised and more than a little unnerved. You told him no, but he wouldn't listen. The first nine of those pieces of popcorn landed on the floor, but the tenth found it's target into his mouth.
"C'mon Jenni, give me a kiss!" He said. Your friends pressured you to do it, thinking you were crazy and stupid not to. He's a football star for heaven sake, and pretty good-looking one to boot! Any other girl would have fainted with glee for the opportunity to kiss him. But without missing a beat, you put two of your fingers to your lips and blew him a kiss instead.
"Way to go girl!" I practically shouted as I lay in the dentist chair, pumping my fist in the air. "Give it right back to him! Haha!" I thought you were quite an awesome girl to respond the way you did. But that wasn't the end of your story.
Your mom continued to tell me how this young man didn't stop there. In the days after that party, he increasingly and intensely pursued you, blowing up your phone with texts, the majority of which were some variation of "Give me a kiss", "Where can we meet up to makeout?" " Why won't you kiss me?" It then grew to asking you out on a date, to which you had no desire to respond yes to. This boy would not give up, he would not let this go.
I was infuriated for you! The only reason this jock was going after you was for himself, not you. Getting a kiss from you was just another notch in his stick, a game to win. It reminded me of a common plot on teenage sitcoms. Athletic star/popular teenage boy goes after the girl who turns him down to save face, win a bet or for just plain old sport. He was trying to take advantage of you and your emotions, and it made me sick!
You were quite distressed with the situation, and I can only imagine how you might have felt. In this conundrum, you took screen shots of the texts and sent them to your friends, and they told you to just do it, and again, that you were stupid not to. Then you did something that I hope my daughter will do one day. You showed your mother the texts, as she already knew what was going on, and you asked her what she thought she should do. You trust and respect her opinion and counsel over that of your friends. There are a lot of young women in this world who would follow the crowd rather than the counsel of parents. Your mother asked you, "Okay, let's run through the scenarios here. What could happen if you go? How will you feel if you do?"
You told her you weren't comfortable going on a date with this young man. To each pestering request he made to you, you gave him a reason why you couldn't go: soccer practice didn't get out until later; you were spending time with your mom and sister while the men in the family went to the Priesthood Session of the LDS General Conference. You found an honest way to thwart each of his suggestions. And from what your mother told me, you will continue to not give in!
Jenni, I was overcome by the most powerful emotion as your mother spoke of the girl you are and the righteous choices you are making. You are not "a little bit backward", but, in fact, are facing full-forward, on the straight and narrow path. It's the others around you who are backward, as that is the world's way.
You are what others would call a "Molly Mormon" or a "prude". How do I know that? Because in my younger years, I was called the same thing. I was the girl who felt out of place in a world of peers who lowered their standards and mocked those who did not. The girl who wouldn't go to certain movies with groups of friends because the content made me uncomfortable. In fact, I called my mother one night to pick her up from a Young Women's activity because the other girls and leaders had chosen to watch a movie that wasn't appropriate. (Handling the scoffs and scorns coming from the Great and Spacious Building isn't easy; it's worse coming from those who are fellow followers of the Iron Rod). I was the girl who refused to swear, to wear immodest clothing when even many girls of the same faith did, and who stayed far away from walking the tightrope of inappropriate conduct as possible. I was the girl who chose to follow what she knew to be right instead of what her peers thought was cool or acceptable. I was, in a way, you.
That is why I was overcome with such emotion, though it surprised me how much. I tried to hold in the tears while in that public place, but when later recounting your story to my husband, couldn't stop them from coming out. I wished I could speak with you personally to tell you this, but as that wasn't possible, I instead asked your mother to tell you the following:
Jenni, you are a strong and amazing daughter of God. I want you to know that I admire you, so incredibly much! Please know that you are making righteous choices, and that that is what really matters. Do not be afraid to share your thoughts about why you feel the way you do. In this day and age, we must be definitively clear and bold in standing up for truth and righteousness. Some may see this as self-righteous no matter how tactfully and humbly you present it. Pay them no heed. Your example will resound with more than you know.
Take it from a woman who was once in your shoes, you will look back on these days and be pleased with the choices you are making right now in your life. And even more importantly, your Heavenly Father will be pleased with you, and He will bless you beyond measure for these choices.
You will continue facing opposition into your adult years for not giving into the world. But you are building a strong and steady foundation right now that will protect you and help make it easier to turn off the world's messages and temptations. You may find yourself at a point where it isn't hard to make righteous choices because you see the wiles of the Adversary for what they are and you won't touch them with a 10-foot-pole.
We need more girls and more women like you Jenni, especially in a world where society and morality are crumbling. Hold fast to your standards, keep shining your light, the Savior's light. As a mother, I want to raise my daughter in that same light. I thought about her as your mother and I talked, thinking of the similar situations she may find herself in some day. I hope my daughter will grow up to become a strong, unshakable daughter of God like you. Thank you Jenni :)

On becoming a mother: In the Eyes of Grace

It's amazing how much you can be the center of someone's world. That is what you are as a new mother. Daddies are right up there next to Mommies-don't get me wrong, this is no slam to fathers!-but if moms are both the main caregivers and breastfeeding, they are usually #1 for the first several months of life. I sense this most especially when Gracie looks at me. And I don't mean just simply looking, but gazing in wonder at me. It is the one of the most gentle yet intense looks.

The "Wonder Look"

This happens at least a few times a day when I'm feeding her, and then some. I try to help her latch on, and she just won't have it. Instead she pushes against my hands and looks up at me with big, probing eyes, not quite smiling for several seconds. Then she bursts into a smile that only a baby can give. Other times she pulls off from feeding and looks up at me intently and starts to coo and "oo" and "ah".  If my attention goes elsewhere, she coos and babbles even louder, flailing her tiny limbs, probably trying to tell me, "Look at me Mama! Look at me! You are my world and I want to be yours!"
The only thing she wants to do, in the whole world, is to have my total attention; to hang on my every move and sound. Nothing satisfies her except me being present in the moment with her, and her with me. She just can't enough of me! (And I can't get enough of her!)  Like Martina McBride's song says, "I see the light in my daughter's eyes". I truly do. In those twinkly blues, I see amazement and awe staring back at me. There is such a deep love, trust and joy I've never had so freely flowing towards me from anyone. I am soaking in every second of this.
This is truly one of the best feelings I have ever felt in my life: being the center and love of Gracie's life. It's different from being the love of my husband's life. I love him more than words can express, but I can't honestly say that I am at the point where I love him absolutely unconditionally, like our Heavenly Father loves us-and I doubt he can say that about me either! We have our flaws and faults, say things that hurt and do things that annoy each other.  We are human and don't always trust in each other 100%.
Newborns, however, come to this earth as blank slates. implicitly. They don't know our flaws or hold grudges. Both mothers and fathers are the faces they see almost every minute of every day, the hands that provide what is needed to survive, the arms that hold them, and the familiar voices that speak so tenderly to calm them.   

We are all they know, and are the ones that they have to rely on for everything they need in life. Unlike adults, infants will put their trust and reliance in us
When Gracie goes into "Look-deep-into-Mommy-mode", I put away every other distraction and give her 100% of my attention. I know she won't remember a lick of this, but she will develop her relationship based upon what I give to her right now. I want my 3-month-old daughter to know that she is worthy of my rapt attention, and all the hugs, kisses and snuggles that I can give her. I sure am worthy of hers.
There will come a day when I am no longer my daughter's favorite person, and where I may be the last person she wants to see or talk to. I know every parent and child will go through those times-especially with toddlers and teens-but I hope that, like my mother is for me, I will be one of the most important and loved people in Gracie's life. I hope and will do all I can to build a relationship that is strong and unshakable.
So I am going to take advantage of every opportunity to stare into those baby blue eyes, babble back-and-forth, kiss those rosy cheeks, match that smile and let my actions show my little girl that she is also at the center of her Mama's world, and that I love her oh so much.

Me and My Girl

Press Forward

My mother and I are kindred spirits in many ways, from our love of baking, music and classic movies, our gift of writing, and even our chronic pain. I am very blessed to have a mother I call my best friend. A few days ago, we were talking about challenges we've been facing, some new and some that have been giving us grief for many months or years. In the course of our conversation, my mom recounted an experience a Bishop in her stake shared about trials and pressing forward, and the thoughts it provoked in her own mind. We both teared up as we spoke, the Spirit seeping through the receivers of our phones straight to our hearts. 

I asked my mom if I could share her thoughts, and she readily agreed. They breathed new life into the words "Press forward", and I now consider them one of the mantra's for my life. 

"This morning in the Belvedere Ward, I listened to a recap of our stake youth's pioneer trek given by Bishop Carson, who served as the Trek Master.  He described the first day of trek as being not too hard.  The weather was mild, and they were walking in the shade for a good portion of the day.  However, the second day turned out to be wickedly hot and windy. A youth began to suffer from the heat and a medic was called out. When he was stable they proceeded on their way.  They finally stopped to rest just an hour or two from their destination. At this point, the leaders were becoming concerned.  Everyone was exhausted and they were running low on water. Bishop Carson reached out by text to the missionaries who oversee the program and asked if they could modify their destination location or send out some supplies. The word came back, “You can rest a short while and then press on, or you can stay a long while and then press on.”  They rested a short while and then pressed on. 

I have thought about this continually over the past few days and wanted to record some of those thoughts.  I know that we all have times in our lives when we experience the sheer exhaustion that results from our continued efforts to “press on”.  Pressing forward is a difficult task that according to Elder Neil L. Anderson, “requires more than simply going forward. [To] press implies something is preventing [our] advancement, and [we] must push through it.  To go forward in this life [we] must press temptations aside, press through obstacles, press the doubt and fear under [our] feet, and embrace the divine qualities of faith, hope, and love”. 

Many times in my trek through this life, I have found myself in a state of collapse, with dimming strength and hope.  I too have reached out in desperation for relief and rescuing.   I’ve rarely been rescued in the ways I had hoped and prayed for, but I testify that the Lord stands ready to assist me when I’m ready to get up and move again.    I really connected with a thought shared by a sister who has struggled with mental illness for many years.  She has come to see the parable of the lost sheep in a new light.  In the past, she considered the lost sheep as the “black sheep” who had gone astray or wandered from the path.  However, she wonders now if that little lamb had become so bone tired and weary along the way that he simply laid down to rest because he was too tired to press on.  She could understand that because she has felt that kind of physical, mental, and emotional pain and weariness.  But now as she faces those moments of utter exhaustion, she can hear in her mind the Savior’s voice calling out, “Get up little lamb. Get up.”  I have heard that voice at various times in my life and can testify that in our darkest hours, he is reaching down with his hand and multiple tender mercies to lift us up even as he bids us to arise and press forward.   

I remember struggling through one of those rough days and thinking as I went to bed that night that I would just like to rest a long, long while.  I really did not want to face the next day.  However, immediately upon opening my eyes the following morning, before the cares of the previous day could descend upon my soul, I heard the Lord’s voice calling out to me in the words of one of our best loved pioneer hymns saying, “Gird up your loins, fresh courage take. Our god will never us forsake.”  In that moment, I felt the Lord’s hand reaching out to lift me up and I was able to get out of bed and face the day with fresh hope and courage.   

Yes, life is all about pressing forward through good times and bad, but Elder Anderson reminds us that when we press forward “with steadfastness in Christ [which] means having faith in Him and...making Him the central focus of [our] thoughts and actions, [then] pressing forward is the ultimate adventure,” and ultimately we can “find peace in difficulties [and] ...know with even greater certainty of His reality and His love for us.”

May pressing forward with steadfast faith in Christ fill you with strength and hope to engage in your amazing ultimate adventure.

The Right Security Net

I am a very financially frugal, "cheap" person. My mother could tell you that I never-and I mean never-spent money frivolously, even as a child. My husband could tell you, as he has learned over the past year, that I am an extremely strict budgeter and put off buying even many necessities of life for myself because I'd prefer to save any and all money we can. Being financially stable and having good insurance has almost always been one of my main sources of feeling safe and secure in life. I have come to refer to it as "My Security Net".

I feel safe knowing that our good financial standings are our umbrella for a rainy day. If something were to happen to one of us, such as losing a job or becoming greatly injured or ill, we will already be in the position to provide for ourselves and won't be thrust into tight or dire financial straights or have to live paycheck-to-paycheck. It saves us from having to go through added stressors that come from financial strain.

The Lord blessed me with parents who taught how to be frugal yet functional and let me live with them rent free; scholarships that helped fund 3 out of my 4 years of college; ample employment and great company benefits and health insurance that have saved me large amounts of money over the years. Although I have had thousands of dollars in medical bills each year since graduating college, I have been able to maintain very good financial status. My problems could have been so much worse. But, my security net has recently gotten some holes in it.

Why? One word: Baby!
I have been feeling a great deal of anxiety about our changing financial situation with the birth of little Gracie. I will no longer be working full-time. We have to change health insurance providers, which, with my current amazing team of doctors that I rely heavily on, is kinda-okay, really- traumatic for me to no longer have at my disposal. Putting your health care in a new person's hands is nerve-wracking! Brian still has one more pre-req class to take to be able to apply to PA school, and that and applying are not cheap! Overall, we will be living on less, expending more to support a child and investing into the PA school venture-not knowing if will become a reality. It's un-nerving!
A couple of months ago, Brian and I were looking through the information for our new insurance through his company and, well, be glad you weren't in our little condo; I near blew a gasket! Among higher co-pays and less coverage than we are used to having access to, the deductible for the lower plan will be $4000 for our little family of 3! That is INSANE!! From my vantage point of needing so much health care, and a new baby needing lots of doctor visits, I could see our bank account dwindling ever more having to pay for so much out of pocket.
There goes my security net! I thought over and over. Experiencing many symptoms that would put a panic attack to shame and struggling to hold in fearful tears, I went into our bedroom and started a conversation with my Heavenly Father. I told him of the anxieties I had been having and that this new knowledge just put me over the top.
"Father, there are so many changes that are going to come, and you know how hard they are for me to adapt to. I will be jumping into such unknown territory and it scares the heck out of me!  My security net is ripping! I need my net!"
I had barely spoken this when these words came to my mind: "Who should your real security net be?"
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have relied so much on finances and other temporal things for my security when I should have been relying on my Heavenly Father. He is the one who holds all things, from how much money is is our bank account, to how well our cars run, to our hopes and dreams-everything!-in His hands. He is the one who will always be there to hold us.

Security, David Bowman

It's surprising how much a single question can chasten you, and this one sure did.
This was quite the "Aha!" moment for me, and I have tried in the weeks since to think first of my Father in Heaven when times of anxiety have come, helping me choose to trust in Him. And the change I have seen in myself is quite significant.  It's now been 9 weeks after our little baby finally came into this world. I just paid the first of the medical bills, and though I wish the money were still in our bank account, it was easier for me to click the button to send the payment than it would have been without my change of perspective. I wasn't gripped with the dread and fear that normally accompany such things.
Life isn't and never will be easy. There things that will threaten us and our sense of security and well-being. Our little family will go through ups and times of testing and struggle. But I will not put my trust in the arm of the flesh for the sense of security that I really need. I will turn to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are the right source of help and peace. I know in whom I have trusted.

God's Guarantee

Brian and I were reading in Ether 2 last night (we are almost to the end of the Book of Mormon, wahoo!) and a couple of verses jumped out and spoke to me in a way they hadn't before. In this part of the Book of Mormon, the Brother of Jared has just received instruction from the Lord on how to build the ships he and his family need to cross the seas, in a manner "tight like unto a dish" in order to protect them. The Brother of Jared realizes that they don't have a means of light inside the ships and inquires of the Lord what to do about it. It is Heavenly Father's response to him that jumped out to me:

"For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.

"And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which will come. Therefore what will yet that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?"

BAM! I love it when you notice things in the scriptures that are stated so simply and teach such monumental lessons! What is the Lord saying here? He is speaking not just to the Brother of Jared, but to you and to me! This is what I hear Him saying: 

Your journey in life is not going to be easy. You will be on a ride that you can't get off of and at times it is going to seem like you are swallowed up in problems and challenges and you may fear you will sink. Some of those things will come because it's life and they just will. Others I will give directly to you, but only because I want to lead you to a better place. BUT! I will prepare you for the things that will come, and if you follow my direction and make your own vessel tight and build it up strong and true, you will be protected through it all, and I will deliver you. You will not sink.  I will bring you out on top again, and you will come to a better place because of it. 

This is particularly insightful for me because of a blessing my father gave me a year-and-a-half ago when I was going through a particularly hard time. I wrote, or rather, typed some of the blessing into my phone, because I didn't want to forget it. It is so wonderful to have those words right there on my phone to remind me of what Heavenly Father knows that sometimes I do not:
"As in the scriptures, your vessel is tight, even like unto a dish. You have many challenge, and you are strong and can withstand the things which you have been given. Heavenly Father has not abandoned you. You can know with certainty that you are able to handle these things."
Think back to those the words in Ether. Isn't it amazing that Heavenly Father gives us that guarantee in a life where there are so few true guarantees? He does not guarantee us freedom from pain, heartbreak, struggle and sadness. He does not guarantee that we will be successful in everything we do or win every battle in the way we want to. He does not guarantee a super-de-duper life where we will have no cares. What He does offer us is His promise, His covenant that if we will follow Him and make our vessels strong, He will be with us through it, protect and keep us, and help us conquer the stormy seas of life. That is the best thing He can give us. That is what we must remember and hold onto when the rains, snows and terrible tempests rage in our lives. He is there. He always was, and He always will be. He knows all, He sees all, and He hears all our prayers. He will bring us to our own promised land, whatever that may be, for He is the one that holds us in His loving and graceful hands.

A Letter to My Baby Girl

My dearest Gracie,
Here it is; my first letter to my baby girl. Yay! Gracie, you have made quite an impact upon your father's and my world, in the absolute best way. Life looks different now that you are in it. The things that really matter are taking center stage as old cares fade in importance.
We are reveling in how big you are getting, judging by the size of my own belly, and enjoy feeling you rolling around swinging those little limbs of yours! And those movements are becoming more and more powerful by the week. Anticipation over your arrival in the next 2 months grows as much as you do.
This pregnancy with you has been kinda rough. The sickness, pain and inability to sleep were very hard to handle the first few months. The pain and discomforts make it harder to function, but I am taking them in stride. I am taking care of myself in order to take care of you! Know this about your Mama: she is one tough gal! She has many challenges, and she doesn't want to let those things stop her from living the life Heavenly Father wants for her, which includes carrying, bearing and raising a child. I would not change it for the world, because if I did, it would mean not having you. I would go through it all again in order to bring a little spirit into this world. But the thing is, we are not just getting any spirit; we are being given you. You.
I know most parents probably say this about every child they have, but I feel the truth in this to a surprising degree: you are a special little spirit Gracie. I do have a picture in my mind of what you might be like, a product of either my hopes or maybe some mother's intuition. But I don't truly know what you will look like or the personality you will have. But I feel most strongly that you have something that will make you extra-special, not just to your parents, but to others who will come across your path.
We weren't intentionally trying to have a baby until after you were already conceived and starting to develop.  It's funny; I started feeling a deep desire and urging to have a baby, so many complex and beautiful emotions that you will hopefully one day also experience. The yearning wove itself like a tapestry into my heart and mind so that it was always with me. After a week or so, I spoke to your dad and we decided to start trying. Two weeks later, after feeling "off" and becoming quite ill, we took a pregnancy test. Though physically debilitated, I felt overwhelming joy at the possibility of having created a life with your father and having that life in our own.
I was so scared to look at the result-what if I wasn't pregnant? It had felt so right that I was. What if I was wrong? I almost couldn't handle that! Your dad asked me if I'd like him to look at it first. I agreed, as I was petrified to do so. I captured the picture of his face when I finally obtained the courage to look up at him. What I saw gave me the answer I needed without having to see the test: tears already welling up in his eyes and a small but triumphant smile that reached to his ears. Never have two little lines meant more in our lifetimes. We were indeed pregnant!
I broke into happy tears and a gigantic smile as I rushed into his arms, where we just held each other tightly. The emotions in that moment I still have not forgotten. That's when we knew that you were coming into our lives.
Since then we have gone through many more emotions a prospective parent faces: joy, excitement, hope, fear, sadness, discouragement, uncertainty, and in the case of the mother, just feeling plain emotional! The positive emotions bring great things. The negative ones not so much.
Most of all, I worry about your health, wanting you to come into this world without problems that will limit your development and well-being. But because of my own experiences and the special children I have come to know during my career, I see those challenges as beautiful, no matter how heartbreaking or brutal they can be. I do not want to be a mother who is clouded by bitter and angry feelings over what their child does or doesn't have, but one who looks for the sunshine through those clouds, and glories in the goodness of every moment.
I have begun asking the Lord that, though I want you to be whole, you be born as you are meant to be. I know without a doubt that any and all challenges you, and in turn, we, are presented with will be because your Father in Heaven knows they will help you grow into the daughter of God He wants you to be. Your sweet Dad and I will be here every step of the way, supporting, loving and, at times, carrying you, every step of the way.
We love you Gracie. Oh, do we love you. We become more excited each and every day for you to be born into our little family. Take care in there my little one. You have time left to grow before you will grace us with your presence.
Love,
Your Mama