Follow the Right Voice

Words are very powerful. Words can build us up, and they can break us down. I am 100% a words girl.  Words of affirmation is my primary love language, I take notes and collect quotes-I have 6 notebooks full of powerful words I want to remember.  I write this blog in hopes of sharing words and ideas that uplift and help us to see the good. But, while I am one who wants to share goodness all around in order to build others up, I myself am my own worst enemy.

I collect positive words in order to help drive out the negative ones that roll around my head pretty much all day everyday, day in and day out. Trust me, you don't want to be inside my head. Even for one minute. It will make your cool head spin out of control!

My main thing is that I feel I never measure up, that I never put forth the absolute-tabsolute-best, and I therefore, I am a failure. I am way past perfectionist, if there ever can be such a thing! I have an OCD-like personality and so, when I get caught on something, most often a negative something, I can't stop thinking about it.  I shoulda-woulda-coulda-done this, that or whatever. I'm a terrible mom because of this, this and this. I'm a horrible wife because of that, that and that.  I tried to do this, but fell short and so it doesn't even matter that I did anything at all. You get the gist.

I realized a few years ago that the adversary knew me very, very well and that this was his way of attacking and tempting me. He knows that I am not going to smoke, drink, gamble, engage in inappropriate entertainment, or go against my core beliefs of the gospel. But he does know how much I love my Heavenly Father, how much I want to be a good wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend, and how much I want to become a true disciple of Jesus Christ. So he attacks me with negative thoughts: negative words that come with feeling behind them that I am not doing good enough. 

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Perhaps to every woman out there? Especially every Latter-Day Saint Woman who wants to live a virtuous and dedicated life? Satan is attacking us by causing us to demean and demoralize ourselves. He knows that if we know who we really are and the good that we can do, we are going to destroy his plan and take him out. So he wants to take us out, and he tricks us into doing it ourselves!

Having this realization was, to say the least, life changing, but even then, I have struggled to thwart the fiery darts of Satan and untangle myself from the web I have let him spin in my life.  It is so easy for me to give way to those thoughts; I have been buying into and believing them for so long. Giving into them leads to changes in behavior and really, affects all areas of life. I realized if this one thing I did was different, my life would be significantly improved. The adversary will stop at nothing to mess us the good things we are trying to do, even if it means making us feel that we aren't being good enough! 

Recently I've been introduced to a new approach to changing the way I see my thoughts, and that has been successful and encouraging. But this past week, I have had some, well, very blunt insights from the scriptures which have woken me up to the power I have allowed that darn devil to have in my life.

The first comes from 2 Nephi 4: 27-28. Each of the following references refers to sin, but what I took from it was not concerning sin, but rather the power that I allow Satan to have over me. They are not the same thing.

It says "Yea, why should I give way...that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul?

"Awake, my soul!...Rejoice O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul."

Can you just hear Nephi calling to you and to me: "Wake up!! Don't let Satan take up residence in your heart and mind! He'll destroy you!"

Those words could not describe better what I feel, that my peace is destroyed, and that these things riddle, infect and afflict my soul. But not only does Nephi say don't give way to the evil one, but he says to rejoice! Rejoice that there is a Savior and he does not feel this way about you! There is hope and there is goodness, and you don't have to wallow in this misery! 

The day after I read this scripture-randomly, I might add, but I knew it was a total tender mercy of the Lord-I was reading in Alma 5 when these verses, 38 and 39, jumped out at me:

"Behold, I say unto you, that the good shepherd doth call you, which is the name of Christ; and if ye will not hearken unto the voice of the good shepherd, to the name by which ye are called, behold, ye are not of the sheep of the good shepherd.

"And now if ye are not the sheep of the good shepherd, of what fold are ye? Behold, I say unto you, that the devil is your shepherd, and ye are of his fold; and now who can deny this?"

Alma goes on in verses 59 and 60 to talk about ravenous wolves entering into the flock, and the shepherd driving them out. It hit me.....holy crap, I have NOT been listening to the voice of the good shepherd, every time I believe the negative thoughts about myself.  I have been listening to and believing the wolf! In that sense, I have been following Satan, when all I hold most dear is to follow Christ. I felt such pain at this, even to the point of some physical pain.  I talked to my Heavenly Father right then and there and cried tears of apology that I had neglected to listen to Him and follow Him in this way.  I felt a peace rush over me, and I knew that He loved me and knew that I hadn't meant to do that. But I knew now.

The last one is from Alma 12, where Alma is contending with Zeezrom. Alma tells him that he has been taken in his craftiness and that they knew what he was trying to do to him and Amulek. He told him he knew that Zeezrom's plan was of the devil, but he describes this way, "Now this was the plan of THINE adversary, and he hath exercised power in thee."

The word thine practically shouted at me from the page! We usually hear Satan referred to as the adversary, but here it is specified as thine. That is quite significant. He was telling Zeezrom, "Dude! The guy who hates you and is planning your destruction is the one whose plans you are following. YOU ARE FOLLOWING YOUR ENEMY!!! YOUR ENEMY!! Does that not seem backwards to you?"

That's how it came across to me, however modern those words might be, ha ha. 

Do we realize that when we beat ourselves up that we are following our enemy's plan? Do we realize that every demeaning and demoralizing thought comes from the guy who wants to destroy us? Heavenly Father would never, EVER speak to us in those horrible ways.  He doesn't want us to treat ourselves the way we would never fathom treating another person. I believe as we see these abusive-let's be honest, that is what they are!-thoughts for what they really are and who they are really coming from, we will then have the knowledge to put forth our greatest power to overcome them. Focusing more on our Savior Jesus Christ and putting more faith in Him will help us to, even if it's slowly but surely, disbelieve and then outright reject those negative thoughts and feelings.

Sister Joy D. Jones, Primary General President of the Church said it best this past Women's Conference: "If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weakness, self-doubts or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives. He saves us from ourselves."

The Good Shepherd wants us to hearken to His loving voice. That means we need to not only listen, but believe and act upon those empowering words! As we do, we will know we are part of His fold-because we really already are!-and our joy and peace can no longer be destroyed.

The Truth about being Covenant Keepers

For several months I have been holding in tender and powerfully strong feelings concerning my engagement in family history work. No longer! I want to share how doing this work has been changing and brightening my life. It truly has been miraculous.

Family history can be a touchy subject for some people. We are urged a great deal in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints to engage in this work, to save our ancestors by allowing them to have ordinances performed for them that open the doors to exaltation. Like many others, I grew up seeing "genealogy" as boring; it was something I heard spoken of by an aunt and uncle once a year at family reunions.

As a young adult, three times in three different wards I was called to be the Family History Specialist. By the second time you'd think that I would have realized the Lord was trying to tell me something! Although I felt that way and regularly joked about it, I didn't do more than dabble in it. I honestly felt guilty for teaching the Family History course and telling others about the importance of it, when I didn't do more than indexing myself.

Fast forward a few more years; I'm married and have a little baby girl. I hit an extremely rough patch: postpartum depression and anxiety that swallowed me whole.  I've struggled with depression and anxiety pretty much my whole life, but after Gracie arrived, it blindsided me, sacking me so hard that I yearned to no longer be in the game. The worst of it was constant anxiety over losing my innocent baby girl, or my husband, to some type of tragic death, or some other type of harm or injury coming to them. Words cannot describe what the thought of those did to me. It's the darkest place I have ever been.

I did all I thought I could; reaching out for support, trying to retrain my thinking, going to counseling and trying to give it all to the Savior.  I struggled, and I prayed, and then I prayed some more for direction from the Lord, something that He knew would help me.  I made some little leaps, but was far from making healing bounds.

Then, on a night I remember well, after a particularly exhausting day of battle, I received my answer. I knelt on our bed and pleaded desperately to my Heavenly Father for something that would help relieve the anxiety. I ended my prayer, then opened up a book I thought earlier in the day I could read in bed before going to sleep. My mother had given it to me five months earlier for Mother's Day, but that I had never started. I want to make it clear that I felt prompted to read this book; it wasn't just some coincidence. In that book, "Covenant Keepers", by Wendy Watson Nelson, was the answer: engage in family history and temple work for 21 days and you will have the help you are seeking for whatever distress you are having in your life right now. That distress will fall away.

Sister Nelson offered several examples of young women, in such positions as myself, who undertook her 21-day challenge and the results they had. They were truly stunning!  But there was one in particular that stood out to me: that of "a young mother who experienced a significant reduction in anxiety that required the use of medication", so much so that others in her family noticed the increased spirit in their home.

My eyes pretty much bugged out of my head when I read this! I knew at that moment that Heavenly Father had answered my prayer! I wanted this same result as this young mother for myself and did not doubt that it would happen if I tried it.  I wanted to and committed right away to take that 21-day challenge. But I didn't end my reading there that night; I digested more and more until I was half-way done with the short but powerful book.

I read Sister Nelson's own experience of discovering for herself the power that covenants hold for us.  Our covenants with God in the temple aren't just for ourselves, but they are for others that haven't been able to make those covenants.

The truth is that we don't realize how much power we have access to in our covenants. The more we keep our covenants, and the more we seek after our kindred dead, the more help we will receive in our lives. In doing family history and temple work, we will be unlocking the power of our covenants. She gives real life examples of how in holding to our covenants and helping others on the other side of the veil who want to make those same covenants to enter into God's kingdom, "Heaven has to respond." God will be unrestrained in blessing us.

Do you know what that means? Unrestrained? Nothing can hold it back! That does not mean that our problems will be removed, or that life will be easy and perfect. But it does mean that heaven can not be stopped from raining down more help that will, in Sister Nelson's words, "be more than we could ever imagine." 

I loved that! I'd quote her entire book here if I could, but you'll have to read it for yourself to feel the power for yourselves. I will tell you that the way she puts this casts the whole concept of covenants and the power they hold for us if we keep them in a whole new light.  It changed the way I see life as a whole. 

Why would we choose to live our lives in mediocrity when the power we can receive from keeping them is unlimited?  Why would  we choose to not unlock and access more and more of the power of God that is so readily there? I don't know about you, but I want and need as much of that heavenly help as I can receive. I need as much strength, as much light to combat the darkness, both physical and mental.

Now, I am not doing this just for the benefits that will come to myself.  I am doing it for the souls in the Spirit Prison that are yearning, some most desperately, for us to complete their work so they can receive exaltation and be with their families forever. They cannot be saved without us! How can we ignore them?!? I cannot!

Oh, the change I have experienced in my life since I took up Sister Nelson's challenge! I sacrificed some of my time doing other things like baking, watching TV or working out, to sit down at my computer and immerse myself in Family Search. It was hard at first to rearrange my "me" time, but the effects of it have been more than worth it. I don't miss that time very much, because I truly enjoy doing family history! It is fun! Kind-of like my own detective work! The Spirit that I feel as I find and complete the ordinance work for those who haven't had the opportunity to yet do so fills me with some of the greatest purpose I have ever known.

Several times the Spirit has washed over me in warm and glorious waves when I found certain names that needed work done. I most literally felt the joy of the people to whom those names belonged as they realized that they now will be in Spirit Prison no longer. Tears couldn't stop running in my eyes! For the first time, I took names I had found myself, to the temple.  It is so much more meaningful than using temple names.

I have found that my days flow better and I am better able to handle the challenges in them when I spend that sacred time. Surprisingly, I often have more time to do some other things for myself! Though it is still there, I experience a momentous reduction in my anxiety when I am consistently involved in the work that has allowed me to better enjoy my life without the incessant fear and darkness. Most of all, I have a peace I haven't felt in a long time. I can feel that Heavenly Father is pleased with my life, and that is one of the most wonderful feelings I have ever had. I know that as I continue, heavenly help will be evermore present to aid me with whatever life throws my way.

The power we unlock as we keep our covenants and do family history and temple work is real and truly marvelous. Heaven must and does respond! I have seen it do so during the last 9 months of my life, and I am not about to stop.  It's almost unimaginable the blessings, peace and heavenly assistance that will flow to us.

The Truth about My Greatest Adventure

I, like most others, have had some pretty great adventures in life: trips to places like Disneyland and D.C., playing a lead in my high school production of Cinderella, and a once-in-a-lifetime Caribbean cruise with a bunch of friends. All of the aforementioned things I consider some of the greatest experiences of my life. But they were few and far between chronic health problems and anxiety that made even getting out of my house and into the world extremely difficult.
Comparison has always been a weakness of mine, and it has dulled only slightly with age. Sometimes I do pretty good being okay with what I have and have done in life and not comparing myself like crazy to others around me. But lately that little "thief of joy" has been trying to make itself my constant companion.
I don't know why things sometimes always hit at once, but recently I am seeing friends and family having adventures I envy in my little heart of hearts: having the ability and blessings to follow their dreams by doing things such as moving to Hawaii, becoming a pageant queen, creating a movement that becomes nationally followed and recognized, going on lavish trips, and some things as simple as having the independence to do whatever they way whenever they want. And it eats away at me! Sometimes I just long for the independence, time, resources, popularity, recognition, finances and health and energy to be able to do more than my little sphere allows.
I'm a home-body-plain-Jane that lacks a super-star talent or popularity, lives with constant pain and constant anxiety, and overall, hasn't done much that can be seen as noteworthy. I don't know if I'll ever reach anything on my wish list: perform on stage in a large-scale production, become a well-known blogger, write a book or frequent column, travel to some desired destinations, be a public speaker about things that matter to me. All those things are indeed important to me, and I will probably have a desire to do them my whole life.
But as I hug and get kisses from my little Gracie, or laugh at another one of my husband's frequent random jokes, I am reminded that this is my greatest adventure: my family. Though other events or periods of life will be thrilling and fulfilling, nothing will ever be greater as being a wife and a mother in my family. Though it comes with incredible change and sacrifice and takes every ounce of my near-empty energy, it is the best thing I have and will ever experience.
Holding my little girl every day tops holding a prestigious award. Having a fabulously fun singles social life pales in comparison to having found and being with my husband.  Singing and dancing to make Gracie burst into giggles fills me with more joy than performing for a crowd on a big stage. And having a career or social position that influences people for good will never have more purpose for me than that of raising and influencing the children that will enter my and Brian's home.
Are there days that I wish I were on a beach in the Bahama's or celebrating that one of these posts went viral? You betcha. There are days and weeks when I can all but fall apart because the responsibility and heartaches are completely overwhelming. But that responsibility and heartache comes because of the most wonderful thing in my life, my family, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.  So I take a deep breath, smile, and enjoy the truth that this is my greatest adventure.

On Becoming a Mother: "Heavenly Father Feels the Same Way"

Originally written on October 18, 2016

I had an interesting insight last Friday night that came as the result of a not-so-fun situation. My husband's family was gathering in St.George to be with my sister-in-law as she went through the LDS temple for the first time and received her endowments. My husband and brother-in-law were going to attend a BYU football game that evening, but in order to do so (the in-law's live in Colorado), we had to meet up with them in a small town along the route, swap spouses, and then my sister-in-law and I drove to St.George with our children in tow.
The first part of the drive down with my sister-in-law, Aleisha, and the kiddos went smoothly. The older ones watched a movie while the younger ones played in their car seats with toys and sometimes got entertained by the older ones. But as soon as night fell and the sky grew black, Aleisha's 11-month-old son Benjamin started to cry, and Gracie soon followed suit. They both had their reasons for being upset, but fed into each other.
It was down-right awful hearing Gracie cry and scream, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be when it first began.  I handled that first hour pretty well. We knew we couldn't do much. We tried talking to them, turning the lights on, popping their plugs back into their mouths, and having the older kids try to distract them as much as possible. All attempts were met with scrunched up, tear-stained faces that wanted nothing else but to be out of their seats and to be held. Knowing that we'd eventually reach our destination and could take our babies out and calm them down, and that it's a fact of life that car rides with kids can be this way, helped me feel less guilty about not fixing it. We just had to "ride it out", haha.
The second hour of screaming continued and was much harder to bear. Knowing Gracie was just within arms reach but I couldn't pick her up and make it all better was terribly hard! It eats away at my heart and causes me to fall apart when she is in that much distress. I was trying very hard to hide the tears that were trying to escape my eyes.
Did I have the choice and ability to leave my seat and go squeeze back by her side so she could see her Mama was there? Yes. Did I also have the same ability to take her out of her seat and hold her the rest of the way to St. George? I sure did. But-aside from being illegal-doing so would have put both Gracie and I in danger of bodily injury in case of an accident, and I would never make that choice. I knew she would be safe in her car seat, that that was the best place she could have been those few hours. When we arrived at our destination, she could be taken out, snuggled and soothed and be her cheery-self once again.
She could gain a little learning that though it was terrible being cooped up in that uncomfortable seat for several hours without her Mama holding her, that her Mama was always there, that she could get through it and everything would be okay.
And that's what happened! After two-and-a-half hours of two screaming infants, several anxious texts to my husband to vent and lots of deep breaths, we arrived. As soon as the ignition was off, Aleisha and I swiftly got our babies right out and held them close. They both calmed and cheered up extremely quickly! They were smiling at and playing with their aunts and uncles in no-time!
It was only an hour later as I was saying my prayers and nursing an exhausted Gracie to sleep that I saw something deeper in this experience. I was telling Heavenly Father how greatly distressing that time in the car was, how the suffering was felt not just by the crying babies, but by their mothers. I then heard and felt with a swelling, these words: "That is how your Heavenly Father feels too."
Hmmmmmm....We usually think of our Heavenly Father always being the one to do the comforting to our suffering, not how He suffers when we do. There are scriptural references and prophets words replete with the truth that our Heavenly Father is saddened by our sins, poor choices or the sufferings that are no fault of our own.  But it hit me powerfully that night, as a mother with a child of her own, in a much different way.
Heavenly Father feels pain and anguish, and I imagine he has cried and desperately ached for you and me when we struggle.  It is hard for Him to know and see that we suffer on this ride of life.  He could choose to intervene and fix it all up, take us out of our problems or the problems out of us.  But He knows what is for our good.
He may deliver us quickly from some things, but others may be long and unrelenting.  He will speak to us, sit or walk beside us, and reassure us that we will reach the end of the ride. And we will, whether they come in a day, week, year, or not until the end of this life, we will.
My love for Heavenly Father grew with this experience. It is transforming, understanding a little better what He feels for me, his daughter. I try to imagine what He must do or feel when I struggle, though He can surely deal with it much better than me! With so many children and being an all-powerful, perfect God, it's hard to picture or believe that He can feel such things for each and every individual one of his spirit children.  But that is exactly what He does.
So, in the midst of every struggle, every pain, every fear and anxiety that tears at me, I am trying to remember that my Father in Heaven hurts when I hurt. It pulls at His heart strings, even though He knows that I'll be okay.  His love for me, and for you, is deeper and more unconditional than we can now imagine.

Knowing that My Children Walk in Righteousness: The Greatest Joy

Originally written October 4, 2016
Normally I am uber-anxious to pick up my daughter at the end of the two days I work each week. I am so excited to be reunited with my little girl! But my pain and exhaustion are usually a lot greater on those days, and I kinda don't want to have to go home and have to be a Mommy. It's hard to take care of a little one when pain, nausea and fatigue are through the roof and I feel I can barely move my extremities.
But one day last week, though that was the case, all I wanted to do was hold, feed, care for and play with my little girl. I drove to my parent's house after work literally bouncing up and down in my seat because I was so giddy to be reunited with Gracie again. I ran to the front door and into the house. Normally, my mom continues holding Gracie for a few minutes after I get there so we don't disturb her, but that day, I took her right away. I wanted to snuggle that little bundle of joy! As I picked her up and gazed into her sweet snoozing face, I was overwhelmed at the sudden, strong yearning I felt for her to know of the truths of the Gospel I know and to live a good, righteous life.
It was one of those "swelling moments", where something just hits you so hard and so good, and you know it's from the Spirit.  I knew at that moment what it means to say that my greatest joy is to know that my children walk in righteousness. That is what matters most in my life: to have my children walk in righteousness and become true disciples of Jesus Christ.
There are so many purposes I have in life, but I had the strong impression in this moment that all of them have prepared me for and culminated in the purpose of my being a mother. I can see clearly the under-side of the weaving of tapestry of my life so far in shaping me for this. I'm not saying that being a mother is the only thing that matters or the only role to which I will give my attention or effort. All the other things that are important to me; all the things I do and say, all the people that mean so much to me, they all matter. I don't think any less of them. All those things and people make me who I am, and therefore are making me the mother I will and want to be. My children will learn from my example, from the other purposes and missions I have. How I engage in those purposes, they will see.
Never before have I felt such a mantle, such a stewardship. But it is one I willingly carry, just as the Savior carried His own and walked the greatest path of righteousness that has and ever will be.  He is walking right beside me, sometimes carrying me and this mantle, to help me be the best mother I can be.
I have great opportunity to influence the lives of the spirits that will come into my home, every moment of every single day.  More than anything else, I want to live my life so my children will know that I walk in righteousness. It is my hope and prayer that they will desire to follow, walking along beside me and their father, and then, as they grow, walking on their own righteous path next to our Savior Jesus Christ.

A Letter to Jenni (and every other girl called a 'Molly Mormon')

Dear Jenni (name has been changed),
        I went to the dentist today and your mother was my hygienist. She's always been my favorite and we enjoyed catching up on each other's lives. We talked about my five-month old daughter, being a mother and how much it means for us to raise our children to walk in righteousness and truth. She told me a lot about you and some of the events that have come along your walk on that path.
Throughout the course of our conversation, I came to admire you a great deal. Here is why:
Your mom told me, "Now Jenni, she isn't quite what you'd call shy, or timid, but she's a little backward."
"Oh?" I inquired, curious as to what that meant.
"Well, here's an example," mom said. "She went to a party a weekend ago and one of the stars of the football team was there and tried to get her do kiss him. She knows him from a class they had together last year, but they aren't 'friends'. He said, 'Hey Jenni, I have ten pieces of popcorn here. For everyone I catch in my mouth, you have to kiss me.' "
Needless to say, You were surprised and more than a little unnerved. You told him no, but he wouldn't listen. The first nine of those pieces of popcorn landed on the floor, but the tenth found it's target into his mouth.
"C'mon Jenni, give me a kiss!" He said. Your friends pressured you to do it, thinking you were crazy and stupid not to. He's a football star for heaven sake, and pretty good-looking one to boot! Any other girl would have fainted with glee for the opportunity to kiss him. But without missing a beat, you put two of your fingers to your lips and blew him a kiss instead.
"Way to go girl!" I practically shouted as I lay in the dentist chair, pumping my fist in the air. "Give it right back to him! Haha!" I thought you were quite an awesome girl to respond the way you did. But that wasn't the end of your story.
Your mom continued to tell me how this young man didn't stop there. In the days after that party, he increasingly and intensely pursued you, blowing up your phone with texts, the majority of which were some variation of "Give me a kiss", "Where can we meet up to makeout?" " Why won't you kiss me?" It then grew to asking you out on a date, to which you had no desire to respond yes to. This boy would not give up, he would not let this go.
I was infuriated for you! The only reason this jock was going after you was for himself, not you. Getting a kiss from you was just another notch in his stick, a game to win. It reminded me of a common plot on teenage sitcoms. Athletic star/popular teenage boy goes after the girl who turns him down to save face, win a bet or for just plain old sport. He was trying to take advantage of you and your emotions, and it made me sick!
You were quite distressed with the situation, and I can only imagine how you might have felt. In this conundrum, you took screen shots of the texts and sent them to your friends, and they told you to just do it, and again, that you were stupid not to. Then you did something that I hope my daughter will do one day. You showed your mother the texts, as she already knew what was going on, and you asked her what she thought she should do. You trust and respect her opinion and counsel over that of your friends. There are a lot of young women in this world who would follow the crowd rather than the counsel of parents. Your mother asked you, "Okay, let's run through the scenarios here. What could happen if you go? How will you feel if you do?"
You told her you weren't comfortable going on a date with this young man. To each pestering request he made to you, you gave him a reason why you couldn't go: soccer practice didn't get out until later; you were spending time with your mom and sister while the men in the family went to the Priesthood Session of the LDS General Conference. You found an honest way to thwart each of his suggestions. And from what your mother told me, you will continue to not give in!
Jenni, I was overcome by the most powerful emotion as your mother spoke of the girl you are and the righteous choices you are making. You are not "a little bit backward", but, in fact, are facing full-forward, on the straight and narrow path. It's the others around you who are backward, as that is the world's way.
You are what others would call a "Molly Mormon" or a "prude". How do I know that? Because in my younger years, I was called the same thing. I was the girl who felt out of place in a world of peers who lowered their standards and mocked those who did not. The girl who wouldn't go to certain movies with groups of friends because the content made me uncomfortable. In fact, I called my mother one night to pick her up from a Young Women's activity because the other girls and leaders had chosen to watch a movie that wasn't appropriate. (Handling the scoffs and scorns coming from the Great and Spacious Building isn't easy; it's worse coming from those who are fellow followers of the Iron Rod). I was the girl who refused to swear, to wear immodest clothing when even many girls of the same faith did, and who stayed far away from walking the tightrope of inappropriate conduct as possible. I was the girl who chose to follow what she knew to be right instead of what her peers thought was cool or acceptable. I was, in a way, you.
That is why I was overcome with such emotion, though it surprised me how much. I tried to hold in the tears while in that public place, but when later recounting your story to my husband, couldn't stop them from coming out. I wished I could speak with you personally to tell you this, but as that wasn't possible, I instead asked your mother to tell you the following:
Jenni, you are a strong and amazing daughter of God. I want you to know that I admire you, so incredibly much! Please know that you are making righteous choices, and that that is what really matters. Do not be afraid to share your thoughts about why you feel the way you do. In this day and age, we must be definitively clear and bold in standing up for truth and righteousness. Some may see this as self-righteous no matter how tactfully and humbly you present it. Pay them no heed. Your example will resound with more than you know.
Take it from a woman who was once in your shoes, you will look back on these days and be pleased with the choices you are making right now in your life. And even more importantly, your Heavenly Father will be pleased with you, and He will bless you beyond measure for these choices.
You will continue facing opposition into your adult years for not giving into the world. But you are building a strong and steady foundation right now that will protect you and help make it easier to turn off the world's messages and temptations. You may find yourself at a point where it isn't hard to make righteous choices because you see the wiles of the Adversary for what they are and you won't touch them with a 10-foot-pole.
We need more girls and more women like you Jenni, especially in a world where society and morality are crumbling. Hold fast to your standards, keep shining your light, the Savior's light. As a mother, I want to raise my daughter in that same light. I thought about her as your mother and I talked, thinking of the similar situations she may find herself in some day. I hope my daughter will grow up to become a strong, unshakable daughter of God like you. Thank you Jenni :)

On becoming a mother: In the Eyes of Grace

It's amazing how much you can be the center of someone's world. That is what you are as a new mother. Daddies are right up there next to Mommies-don't get me wrong, this is no slam to fathers!-but if moms are both the main caregivers and breastfeeding, they are usually #1 for the first several months of life. I sense this most especially when Gracie looks at me. And I don't mean just simply looking, but gazing in wonder at me. It is the one of the most gentle yet intense looks.

The "Wonder Look"

This happens at least a few times a day when I'm feeding her, and then some. I try to help her latch on, and she just won't have it. Instead she pushes against my hands and looks up at me with big, probing eyes, not quite smiling for several seconds. Then she bursts into a smile that only a baby can give. Other times she pulls off from feeding and looks up at me intently and starts to coo and "oo" and "ah".  If my attention goes elsewhere, she coos and babbles even louder, flailing her tiny limbs, probably trying to tell me, "Look at me Mama! Look at me! You are my world and I want to be yours!"
The only thing she wants to do, in the whole world, is to have my total attention; to hang on my every move and sound. Nothing satisfies her except me being present in the moment with her, and her with me. She just can't enough of me! (And I can't get enough of her!)  Like Martina McBride's song says, "I see the light in my daughter's eyes". I truly do. In those twinkly blues, I see amazement and awe staring back at me. There is such a deep love, trust and joy I've never had so freely flowing towards me from anyone. I am soaking in every second of this.
This is truly one of the best feelings I have ever felt in my life: being the center and love of Gracie's life. It's different from being the love of my husband's life. I love him more than words can express, but I can't honestly say that I am at the point where I love him absolutely unconditionally, like our Heavenly Father loves us-and I doubt he can say that about me either! We have our flaws and faults, say things that hurt and do things that annoy each other.  We are human and don't always trust in each other 100%.
Newborns, however, come to this earth as blank slates. implicitly. They don't know our flaws or hold grudges. Both mothers and fathers are the faces they see almost every minute of every day, the hands that provide what is needed to survive, the arms that hold them, and the familiar voices that speak so tenderly to calm them.   

We are all they know, and are the ones that they have to rely on for everything they need in life. Unlike adults, infants will put their trust and reliance in us
When Gracie goes into "Look-deep-into-Mommy-mode", I put away every other distraction and give her 100% of my attention. I know she won't remember a lick of this, but she will develop her relationship based upon what I give to her right now. I want my 3-month-old daughter to know that she is worthy of my rapt attention, and all the hugs, kisses and snuggles that I can give her. I sure am worthy of hers.
There will come a day when I am no longer my daughter's favorite person, and where I may be the last person she wants to see or talk to. I know every parent and child will go through those times-especially with toddlers and teens-but I hope that, like my mother is for me, I will be one of the most important and loved people in Gracie's life. I hope and will do all I can to build a relationship that is strong and unshakable.
So I am going to take advantage of every opportunity to stare into those baby blue eyes, babble back-and-forth, kiss those rosy cheeks, match that smile and let my actions show my little girl that she is also at the center of her Mama's world, and that I love her oh so much.

Me and My Girl